Sunday, December 24, 2006

Christmas at the Johnson Bed and Breakfast

Imagine walking into an old Victorian home with garland strung over arches and a beautiful 9 foot Christmas tree. The whole place smelled like Christmas cookies and I truly felt like I was walking into a bed and breakfast. It's lovely. Sue works to make it not only comfortable, but very inviting. She sets the table ornately with china, wine glasses, holiday napkins and silver. My family back home in Virginia always serves a buffet type meal and on holidays we sit at the little 4 seater table! It's simple and it's home. Although being in the Johnson home is very different than what I am used to, it has been a delightful experience. Last night we ate chili for dinner, decorated Christmas cookies, played games, and then met up with some of Brent's high school friends at the local bar. I'm staying in the guest room and he is sleeping in his twin bed from childhood. I clearly got the better end of the deal! I am in a four poster bed with my own bathroom. This is why I say I am in a bed and breakfast. Brent and I made biscuits and gravy for breakfast, we all took naps, and now we have the house to ourselves while Sue and Larry are in church. I tried to convince Brent to go because it means a lot to his mother, but he didn't budge. I don't fault him for it although the music would have been nice. My Christmas spirit, despite my festive surroundings, is a bit mellow at the moment. I miss my family. I miss wearing pajamas half the day, watching cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies with my parents, and pigging out on lasagna. I miss traveling on Christmas Eve to visit other families in the area and coming home to a cup of coffee. My best friend Michelle called right when I needed her and I feel better. I am grateful for the family that I am spending the holiday with. They have invited me into their home with open arms and I feel comfortable here. I love Brent and the fact that he put on Christmas music right after my conversation with Michelle and danced with me in front of the Christmas tree. He always strives to make me happy, and it always works.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Praying

This morning a 3 year old asked me to bless the food we were about to eat. I couldn't refuse but at the same time color rose to my face. I haven't prayed in quite some time so doing it aloud and in front of a family caused some anxiety inside of me. As I started to pray the familiarity of the act took over me and calmed me. It felt good. I know that God will bless this family as they head to a Tennessee to start a new life, and I felt confident in the fact that God heard my prayer because it was about a God-fearing family. It felt safe to pray for others. I don't have enough faith left anymore to pray for myself. I've found that it's easier to just live my life, and I am much happier not being governed by fear and the judgment of others. Faith is a wonderful, blessed thing... and God exists. I have no doubt of that. But I prefer living as I am, and have been content in that choice.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Georgia and I, Look how cute we are...

Okay, Okay


Apparently a picture of Brent is in high demand since I refer to him so frequently. Yes, he is the love of my life. Yes, he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. BUT HE HATES PICTURES. Georgia has taken some cute ones of us and that is where this picture comes from, but when he sees this on my blog, I am going to get scowled at AND attacked. Attacked with tickles of course. Oh well, I can face the consequences.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Music and Cleaning

My honey of a boyfriend created a Cleaning Playlist on TiVo. What that means is anytime we clean we put on upbeat, fun music and almost forget the task at hand. Right now I am typing as he is cleaning up the dishes. I keep going up behind him dancing and he can tell I am just hyper. If you have never listened to El Matador by Los Fabulosos Cadillacs... dude you better!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Training Yet Again

I am sitting in training again, this time for the part of my job that will become permanent. It’s exciting to know that next week I will be helping my team to decrease the massive volume we have. The problem is, we are in a lull and I just ate lunch… so I am getting bored and sleepy. I want to be home curled up with my honey. Or at least be entertained reading emails. I haven’t gotten any emails from my sister Georgia yet today and that seems surprising. Since she left for Korea I have been running errand for her and we have been talking regularly over Skype. It’s pretty cool. She was being silly last night sticking her tongue out and what not. Thank goodness for WebCams. I got teary when she imitated giving me a hug, but I maintained. It’s going well. Back to focusing on training… LOL.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Bon Voyage

So, Georgia is as we speak on a 13 hour flight to Tokyo. This morning on the way to the airport, we were crammed into a minivan with 3 kids under the age of three... so yes... three car seats. David and Natanya (the parents) up front and Georgia and I sitting on top of one another in the back seat. We had to climb over one kid to get there! Once we were in, David piled in my sister's many bags. (I have no idea how she is going to deal with all of that on foreign soil trying to find her bus.) So anyway, to help the boys understand, Natanya kept saying that Miss Georgia was getting on a plane and would be gone for a really long time. She said, "Levi is going to be 4 years old before Miss Georgia gets back." Levi (the 3 year old) didn't get it. When Georgia got out of the van of course tears were shed and Uri (the 2 year old) started crying as well. Levi just looked confused. After helping Georgia check in and crying my ass off- the van pulled back up from circling and Levi immediately asked, "Where is Miss Georgia?" I was obviously not going to answer that one for fear of losing it. Again. So guess who did? Uri, the two year old, replied, "She's on airpane for a weally long time."

Monday, October 23, 2006

Grease Marathon


Georgia is leaving in 3 days and we have talked about having a Grease Marathon with our previous roommates ever since we all went seperate ways. Well- Amber, Andrea, and Jodi all still live with one another but that is beside the point! ;) So tonight is going to be full of cheesy music and bad hair. Sounds awesome, right? Seriously, I love the movies and am really looking forward to viewing them with fun girls. And I am looking forward to sneaking more time in with my sister. She called on Saturday and wanted me to run errands with her. I joined and surprisingly, Brent came with. She said in the car, "He must really like me to come out on a Saturday like this." And she's right. She is an adorable girl and has blossomed so much in the past few years I can't begin to describe it. I love her dearly. All I can say is I am "Hopelessly Devoted" to my big sister.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I feel good.


Work is good. Family life is good. Life is good. Well, I guess you can say work is stressful because I still don't have access to all of the systems I need 6 weeks into the job. And I guess you could say that family life is not so hot with mom and dad in Virginia and Georgia ditching me for South Korea in 2 weeks. But LIFE IS GOOD. I have the sniffles because the weather is changing from fall to winter when fall truly only lasted for a month. Brent is getting a full fledged cold so I am inclined to take care of him and pamper him... I love to take care of him. I am actually hosting a going away party for Georgia tomorrow night and I am really excited about it. It should be fun seeing her the center of attention. It's such a huge deal to leave the USA for an entire year. Willingly! I wouldn't be able to leave Brent behind. He is home to me now. I know I am going to miss my sister and am trying to focus on the fact of how exciting this is for her. My dad said she will take good pictures but better not marry a Korean. LOL. Of course there may have been a racial slur thrown into the mix although he is not racist. Wow, right? I can be strong about this. I can be strong about the struggles we all face on a daily basis. I feel good.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Apples to Apples

It has been a long time since I have reported on my life. Things have been… going. I seem to be a little on the stressed side. Georgia is leaving me in a month. We went through a lot of arguing when my mom was visiting. And then we started arguing about other things… but we seem to be doing much better. We went to see my cousin in Rockford, Illinois this past weekend. The highlight for me was Edwards Apple Orchard. I even rode up front on the tour through the orchard. The chatty driver noticed my camera and offered the better view. It was hot. I took an awesome picture of the horses. Fantastic apples. If you have never had a HoneyCrisp Apple, please do it immediately. Anyway. Work is getting very busy and is very tedious. I keep missing little things! (But at least I am not repeating the mistakes). The learning curve is a full year but I am used to excelling at what I do. Now I have to learn and more often than not, the best lessons are learned in result of a mistake. But everyone is very nice in their approach for me to fix things… so it’s all good. Brent is great. I am more in love than ever. We just have fun with one another, like two children who just built their first fort. It’s very exciting. I’m tired. The apartment above me had BLARING music at 3 am and it woke me up. I stayed awake for at least 45 minutes and was simply furious. I would’ve gone upstairs, but I don’t know them and am not about to knock on some dude’s door alone. I left them a polite note on the door today, and the guy actually came and apologized! It was pretty sweet of him to do. Apparently his roommate was drunk and out of control, but I accepted the apology (of course). He was cute… maybe single… he should hook up with Sydney. She deserves a nice guy. I will leave you with a thought as I inhale the scent of sweet, baking apples… play a game. Read a book. Sleep a few extra hours. Enjoy life while you have it.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Night at the Wingate

Let me give you a visual- I am sitting in a hotel room watching re-runs of Sex in the City and eating leftover chocolate cake from my Outback dinner. I feel very hip sitting at the desk typing on my blog. I brought the laptop so we could research sight seeing easily in the evenings. I am in training in St. Louis and it seems never-ending. I had a blissful Labor Day weekend, but had to be up at 4 am to get ready for the flight. So, the high of spending the entire weekend with my love is keeping me in the clouds for the time being. I had anticipated a horrible mood and even worse time in class that never came. Training has been difficult because a lot of time is wasted. We have a putsy facilitator that is never in a rush. Being out of my normal routine and separated from Brent is taking its toll. Eating out three times a day kinda sucks. But let me tell you- I did manage to spend $45 on my dinner tonight at the Outback!! Can you imagine?! I have never eaten there and ordered what I wanted. (My company reimburses up to $60 a day for food.)

Thursday, August 17, 2006

South Korea


Georgia got accepted into the program to teach Conversational English and is starting on October 31, 2006. My first reaction was sadness because she will be gone an entire year on this "experience." I am excited for her because I know she will make life long friends, take awesome pictures, and treasure the growing it will force within in. I am grateful that she got accepted simply because it was her heart's desire to go. I will personally have to adjust to the ache of having her gone.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Being Childlike



Life requires fun. I am sitting at work coloring between calls. The bright colors of the Lion King are comforting in the most unexplainable way... It brings me back to my youth. Let me tell you the story. Every time my sister and I had to go to the doctor, mom would bring us to the pharmacy to fill the prescriptions and let us pick up a coloring book as a kind of consolation prize. If it were a particularly bad cold we would get new Crayons as well. It was great. I used to color often and became a big fan of shading. Embracing a simple pleasure of youth keeps me happy.

Excitement


Big things are happening for me. I feel like I could explode with all of the excitement. I will be able to see my mom and start a new job next week, the week after I will be in St Louis, MO for training on my company's money. I only have 3 more days to endure the call center!! Above all, I am in love with a wonderful man. Life doesn't get much better than this.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Big News

First thing, I got a promotion! I will be leaving the call center and going to the corporate office starting August 21, 2006. I am very excited. I did get a pay increase, although it was not significant. The main thing is I will no longer be in customer service. My new title is Client Benefit Administration Analyst Tester, quite the mouth full. I have a fuzzy idea of what I will actually be doing but will write more about that later. Another BIG thing is Georgia is thinking about going to South Korea to teach English as a second language for an entire year. She is in the process of obtaining her passport and if the phone interview goes well, she would be leaving to start on October 31, 2006. For truly selfish reasons I do not want her to go. She is my big sister and would not want her out of my reach for that amount of time. Also, they have nuclear weapons in North Korea and that isn't exactly far away! I would worry all the time. She wants to pay off her debt with the money she would earn so you can't fault that... but still. Some other news is that I went to Missouri this past weekend to see Robert and was introduced to the world of ballroom dancing. I loved it. I have never felt so elegant in my life as when I was waltzing. Robert has been taking lessons for the past year and was definitely a strong partner to assist a beginner. I am hoping I can get Brent to take lessons with me here in Minneapolis. We'll see about that one! ;) But the trip was great. We talked so much and just enjoyed the weekend. Things are good right now... that's for sure.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Out of the Blues

On my previous post, I was very sad and a bit on the hopeless side. Let me tell you what I did to make myself happy again. I LEFT WORK! I hate my job and I simply could not take a full 8 hours. My head was pounding and there was absolutely no compassion in my voice. I left after half of my shift and laid in bed. Brent took care of me Friday night and was incredibly sweet to me, not even knowing the sadness that was plaguing me. He didn't read the post until the next day. I think he just sensed how unhappy I was and snuggled with me and made me giggle. Saturday I spent the day with my roommate and her friend Beth. We made breakfast and played Mario Kart. We talked about guys and shared old stories. Things women do. We hung up pictures in the livingroom making me feel instantly at home and content. They are photographs of Duluth, Minnesota that I took last fall. I blew them up and framed them, nature has always comforted me. I went out shopping at Target and for groceries that evening by myself and browsed. That night I watched a movie with Brent. On Sunday I went swimming, read my book outside in the sunshine, made myself breakfast and cleaned up around the apartment. Now I have canvas prints on my walls of bright, colorful flowers. I also hung some mirror panels and a Van Gogh print. My room makes me smile now. In short, everything I did this weekend brightened my spirits. I did things I enjoy.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Sadness

My heart hurts. It seems full of sorrow and unwilling to cope. I am a strong person but strength only endures when it is determined to do so. I have lost that determination. I have lost the focus of taking care of myself. I need to embrace what makes me happy on an individual level. Read. Walk. Laugh. Play. Kiss. Write.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Nintendo DS

Okay, so I got an awesome present. Friday is our one year anniversary and Brent and I decided to buy ourselves a new toy. We split the cost on a Nintendo DS and two new games- one Mario and Big Brain Academy. If you are gaming ignorant, a Nintendo DS is a sophisticated Game Boy with two screens, one is a touch screen. I have never been a pro at gaming so Mario is challenging me... but it is so cool! The graphics are awesome and it combines a lot of features from previous gaming systems like climbing walls, turning into MiniMario, and all kinds of stuff. I am used to the old school Mario, I can hear the old familiar tune in my head! I thought it was awesome. Well, the new game is hot. The Brain Age Academy is like having a fitness center for your mind. I adore it. It tests you in categories. I am truly skilled at Memorization but need serious work in Thinking. I am sure that is not a big surprise! Anyway, the more you practice the skills, the better you do on tests and your brain mass grows. It's sound logic. I have always been an advocate of old people playing Chess or working cross word puzzles to keep their minds active, well, this game is brain food for all! I never would have thought of myself as a person that would like video games enough to want a portable gaming system... but man is it fun!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Thank you for Not Smoking


I quit smoking. I am okay reporting this since it's been a full week now. I don't want them anymore. I still go outside to the smoking area on my break but just enjoy the sunshine. I don't experience the urgent need to wash my hands when I come back in either...! It seems odd to not stop at the gas station for smokes or casually smoke on the drives to and from work. And I was so excited about having a balcony to smoke outside at my new apartment! I have only been tempted once in the past week. Brent and I had Gin and Tonics and I felt like smoking, but that's been it. I am surprised by my lack of true addition but grateful for it at the same time. I'm done!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Feeling At Home

I have finally been able to catch up with my new roomie. It’s Sunday evening and for the past few hours I have been sitting around talking to Syd while she unpacks. We moved the living room furniture around and it just feels cozy. I love it. I still need to unpack knick-knacks but they can stay in a box for a while as far as I am concerned. I’ve done a load of laundry and eaten dinner. Now I am going to relax on the sofa and watch a movie. I love nights like this… balancing your checkbook, catching up on email, talking with friends- it’s peaceful. I already have my outfit picked out for work in the morning. Tomorrow is a big day. I have an interview so the new suit comes out to play. LOL. I like having everything set up to avoid stress in the morning. That is something I established while living alone and I will never give it up. I even pack my lunch the night before! So it really is home, just different. Now I hear noises other than my own like the shower running, music softly playing in Sydney’s room, or a muffled phone conversation. But it’s good. It feels like home.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

MOVED!!

I am moved in and settled, it feels great to have a balcony and feel like part of a "community." Sydney is hopefully moving the rest of her stuff in tonight... excitement is all around!!

Monday, June 19, 2006

Exciting Moving Update!!! Bye bye U-Haul

So... my sister is a saint. She asked some people from her church if I could use their trailer to move and they said yes. It is 6' by 12' and 6' high. Now we can move my crap into the trailer Thursday night and park it at the church. I will clean my apartment and take the straggling items on Friday morning, and then move into my new apartment on Saturday. No more unloading into the garage and a week later reloading to move in. No more being displaced for a week. No more U- Haul Rentals on two days. I will be saving serious money. I plan on getting the couple a gift card for their kindness and generosity. After all, they barely know me. But to use a trailer and covered pick up truck without fees, that is seriously hot. And I am 80% packed. It's all coming together and feels great.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Keeping in Touch



Now that I have lived in Minnesota for over two years, I am starting to be comfortable only talking to my friends back home every couple of months. It's strange. You have "catch up" sessions and only fill in with the juicy highlights of the missed weeks. And when you get off the phone, you feel refreshed because you are reminded of why this person is your friend and why you must keep in touch. Being in different parts of the country doesn't matter when the person is worth the effort.

Stress, Mood Swings, and Sturdying Sighs

So for over a month I have been having back pain on and off. I am also beginning to hate my job. These two things have seriously effected my ability to maintain a chipper mood among other contributing factors. I feel weak because I actually had to go to the doctor for medication last week to control the pain in my lower back and spasms. I was missing work and just miserable. The last few days have shown a marked improvement but the stresses of work and moving in two weeks is taking its toll. I haven't been able to pack because of back pain and now I've just learned I am going to have to move my things twice. I can explain. I have to be out of my current apartment on June 30 at noon Friday and can't move into my new apartment until July 1 at noon on Saturday. That is a lapse of 24 hours. I can't expect people to help me move on a Friday morning, so I will be moving my things next Sunday and putting them in my sister's garage. I will either borrow an air mattress or stay with my boyfriend for the week and then move all the stuff from the garage to the new place on July 1. Wow, right? So anyway, I have to get a crew together on both days. I don't have much stuff but the more the merrier and faster the progress. But renting two U-Hauls when I am certain moving will aggravate my back again right when it's calming down... It's been a stressful time for me. I have been having fun with Brent as usual and actually went to two Minnesota Twin's games this past week... They were playing the Red Sox and they swept it. (David Ortiz got robbed in Game 3). So by all standards life is good. But I am finally starting to understand why my mom struggles so much to stay happy. She is in pain. I am convinced I've just pulled a muscle, but the realization that I could be my mom all over again is intense and pretty damn scary. And sitting on my ass for 8 hours at work is brutal on my lower back and the job itself is not worth it anymore. So yeah, even with a great boyfriend like Brent and extracurricular activities, it's been tough lately. I know he has noticed, just hope he continues to give me room. Life continues to change and I know this is a phase, I have never allowed circumstances to beat me and I will not start now.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Being Spoiled

Yesterday was my 25th birthday and I was treated like a queen the entire day. With recently manicured nails and toes courtesy of the birthday check I received from my parents, I was served breakfast in bed... I had fluffy scrambled eggs, a biscuit, bacon, and a pastry served to me on a tray with orange juice and hot coffee. It was amazing. I dressed in sandals and a summer dress for the occasion. When I got to work, I noticed my sister's car in the parking lot and became instantly nervous. Last year she decorated my cubicle so intensely there were streamers hanging from the ceiling! I sighed in relief when I got to my desk and everything appeared normal. Not ten minutes after clocking in, Georgia arrived with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a cake, and a camera. Of course I turned beat red especially when she sang/whispered "Happy Birthday." I love her- she's good to me. All day I passed out cake (it was a buttercream sheet cake so I felt the need to share) and people wished me a merry day. Brent was super sweet to me reminding me often it was my special day. He even threw out the cake box for me since the sandals I wore were trying desperately to rub a blister on my pinkie toes! I had a choice to make for dinner. We could go to McCoys, which is a great place in uptown Minneapolis with food fit for a king that's kind of spendy... or get pizza like I was craving at some trendy pizza place. Since my back was aching and all I could think about was going home and getting delivery and into my pjs... that is exactly what we did. All I wanted was Pizza Hut pizza (my choice of toppings), a movie, and some beer. Brent made me pick out the movie and opted to get me Honey Weiss instead of the Bud Light I suggested because he knows it's my favorite. I got a back rub last night and was just treated like a princess. So many of my friends from Virginia called to wish me a Happy Birthday as well. I really did feel spoiled, but to be honest, with the people in my life I often feel that way.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Moving Again!!

So I will be moving in my my friend Sydney on July 1, 2006. I am pretty excited. We have been friends for a while and get along great. We have looked at several apartments and I think I found the one Saturday. It has two bedrooms and a bath and a half. Most girls agree you need your own area for getting "put together" in the mornings. Huge perks are the 21 foot long balcony, three ceiling fans, and wood floors in the kitchen. The community has a pool, fitness center, and sauna. It's affordable and Max is welcome (Syd's dog). I saw it with my sister because Sydney was gone for the entire holiday weekend, so hopefully I can convince Syd it's perfect for us.

Being on the Lake

Yesterday I was in Chisago, Minnesota at the Johnson Bed and Breakfast. Actually, it's my boyfriend's parents home. They were away for the Memorial Day weekend so we had the house to ourselves. Brent named it the Johnson B & B because I wanted to stay overnight... it's lovely. The house is an old Victorian with loads of charm. It's very comfortable. As we fell asleep on the high four post bed, I really felt like we were on vacation. We treated one another with such kindness the whole time, making sure we had enough sun screen, laughing, eating like kings, and kissing one another. It felt like something out of a romance novel, except for when he was earning man points by changing his oil! ;) It was so hot out. It's rumored to be the hottest holiday weekend in years. We grilled and played in the water. We went on a bike ride. We sat on the swing and talked. I had fun like I were a kid again. When we got back to the cities last night, both of us were exhausted. Now I am glowing a bit red in places but feel like I did something with my weekend, even if today is the holiday itself and I am sitting at work. The trip north made a wonderful, relaxing impression.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Living with Rules

Rules face us all day. Should we always play according to the rules, or should rules become void in certain circumstances? Let me give you a situation and think how you would react: You are sitting in a library researching or simply checking your email. It is clearly posted that cell phone use is prohibited. Your phone starts vibrating and you see that your mom is calling. Do you answer it? Most people would reply no because you can call her back. Well, what if your dad is in ICU and you are eagerly awaiting any status updates? Or, what if your mom never calls you during the day so you naturally assume it must be urgent? Do the circumstances allow you to bend the rules? Some people feel they are above the rules no matter what the case may be, and some are such stickler they feel rules are there for a reason and must never be broken. Most are on the fence and say you can break rules depending on why they need to be broken. I have broken many rules for different reasons whether it was simply rebellion or indifference. Sometimes the rule itself inspires us to break it. The time old example is telling a young child not to touch a breakable and the moment the parents turns away, it comes crashing to the floor. I am like a child more often than not, feeling the need to rebel and do what I want and not what I've been told. But my mature, responsible side causes me to drive within the speed limit, get to work on time, and not yell at the clerk rudely ringing up my purchases because I don't want to deal with the consequences... Rules are there whether unspoken or not.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Wishing for Sunlight

I swear it's been raining for at least three weeks. I did get a game of tennis in with my boyfriend over a week ago, but it started raining after playing for only an hour. It was very painful for me. My co-worker just described the weather as "A little rainy" to a caller and I find it ironic to hear it said so cheerfully when it seems never-ending. There is no such thing as a good hair day when it's raining. Grocery shopping seems more cumbersome. My umbrella is old and ugly. I always feel tired and in need of a nap. The wind stays cold with the dampness of the air. I have to say at this point there better be some serious flowers and green grass for summer. Spring in Minnesota. I posted about the sunshine... now I'm posting about the lack of it. God, if you can hear me, hook us up!!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Do you IM?


I haven't sent an AOL Instant Message in years (since college) and now, I am in the world again. I only have two buddies because I don't remember the friends from college and doubt they still use it. I like it because I can hope my cousin from Mississippi is online.... she never is. And my boyfriend and I send messages. It's fun and lighthearted. Short, casual conversation that does not require a telephone or a true commitment of attention. I love it.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I didn't go...

Couldn't bring myself to attend the memorial service. I cried just thinking about the sorrow in the air. I know I am a coward, but coming head to head with loss is never easy.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Dazed

Life has been hazzy this past week. The death of my friend has shaken me and everything seems to remind me of her. I don't want to be at work and look with disdain at people who don't seem affected. Maybe I am just jealous that they feel closure. There is a memorial service for Stacey this Sunday and I plan on attending. People will be reading poetry, sharing stories, etc... and I am sure there will be tears. I don't usually attend funerals or services because I would rather celebrate life and remember people as they were, but she left us so abruptly I feel I owe it to her to attend. I know she's gone, but I haven't managed to say good-bye yet.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Experiencing a Loss


Yesterday I found out a friend, a co-worker died suddenly on Wednesday night of a heart attack. I was coming into work and saw people crying outside and then suddenly, everything changed as I stood in disbelief. Half of my team went home to grieve our loss and the company asked for stories to share with Stacey’s family. She worked at Express Scripts for nearly ten years, and everyone has a Stacey story whether good or bad. This is what I wrote:
Who can really provide a story to glorify a woman like Stacey? Can we really tell just one? She had a larger than life personality that affected everyone in this call center. I presented a couple ASC Presentations with her to new hire classes and she always made an impression. She would tell stories about calls she had taken that tried her patience and would always end up saying she was a strong black woman with the Lord on her side. She would state to the class "I only have to say your name three times and then I've got it!" And she always did.
Stacey was the rock of the ASC team. She used to fuss at me in the mornings if I didn't greet her with a friendly hello. And yes, if I just slumped by saying "Hey" with no enthusiasm she would fuss at me anyway. I loved Stacey. I would talk to her throughout the day and often we casually bantered about our favorite baseball teams, right and wrong, and many other topics. You see, Stacey and I are both very stubborn women but once we understood one another we were fast friends. She would ask for our colored pencils to sharpen because for some reason it relieved stress. She would offer to peal my oranges or throw a pack of popcorn at me if I mentioned someone else's smelled good. She would walk around and rub team member's backs if it were a particularly hard day.
I am not saying that Stacey didn't have faults, all of us do. What I am saying is that when I found out about her sudden death, my world was altered. She is such a big part of my work day. When someone asked for MY supervisor, I wanted Stacey to be on the other line backing me up. When I need to vent, Stacey was there and vice versa. I keep feeling like it's not real, like she'll be back at her desk smiling and calling me a "Knucklehead" and fussing at Brent for not listening to her when she starts rattling on.
I wish this were a dream, but dreams aren't this long. It's time to say good-bye to a beautiful woman.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

American Idol

I hate to admit it, but I am addicted to this season of American Idol. The contestants are likeable and very talented people. Last night they performed love songs under the coaching of Andrea Bocelli and David Foster. Some song choices were wrong, some didn't sing with passion... but overall the show was entertaining. I think the main reason for this is I am invested at this point. For instance, after the show I felt that Kellie Pickler pictured above would be coming home tonight. After watching the show tonight and finding my prediction accurate, I was sad. I am sad to see any of them go because I am used to hearing them sing and facing the struggle of performing live in different genres every week. I couldn't face the pressure. I admire what they do and the criticism they face in order to achieve their dreams. In Kellie's case, her winning personality and good looks will get her far but possibly not in the music industry.

Friday, April 21, 2006

WOW

My sister is Georgia is gorgeous. She always has been, but she glows now. She had gastric bypass surgery in October of 2005 and she is acting like a beautiful young woman full of confidence. The weight loss has allowed her to finally see herself. Take a look:

Friday, April 14, 2006

Spring Fever


Spring in Minnesota is a strange time of year, people flood outside to get the warmth they have been missing for months on end. People tend to be outdoors all year in the Twin Cities, but spring brings everyone out. People start walking the couple blocks to the convenient store instead of driving... they look longingly out windows during the work day... they start sitting outside on breaks enjoying the sun... they get meals to go and enjoy them on picnic benches... I love to see it. I love going outside to feel crisp breezes and warmth coming over my body. The new flowers in bloom, the birds singing and making their summer homes, my oh my... the beauty of it all.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Playing with Fuzzy Yellow Balls

Running across the green court.
Chasing after something you will never truly conquer.
Sweating from your efforts.
Feeling sweet satisfaction at a shot well-placed.
Tennis is not only a sport, it's practice for life.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Loss of a Family Pet

Today we say goodbye to Shaina. She has been our family dog for 13 years. She is lovable, huggable, and by far the best dog we have ever owned. I have been out of the house for over two years and my sister for over four, but we have both shed tears over this loss. Seeing Shaina happy brought so much comfort to my heart, no other dog can hold a candle to her.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Catching Up

I feel like life can return to normal. If you noticed, before today I haven't written since March 22... After Robert left from visiting, I went to Virginia where I proceeded to lose sleep because of my parent's pet rooster. And no, they do not live on a farm. But between the stress of flying early in the morning and my bag being lost (AGAIN) the trip home was exhausting. While there I spent most of my time with my parents. Dad and I gardened outside, which was nice because the whether was springlike and perfect. We went out to eat and seemed to go to Wal-mart everytime we were in town :) I met up with old friends for dinner and drinks, then kareoke. It was fun, but I had the distinct impression I was only visiting. I went to my parent's house and then I came home. When I got back, seeing Brent was such a relief. I was only gone for five days and it felt like an eternity since I had seen him. I was exhausted and bone weary, but was so thankful that he was there to help me recuperate. After going right back to work and catching up with Sydney, Georgia, and Brent... It all seems normal again. I have the weekend off to truly breathe in normalcy and then back to life as it was before the vacation. It's good to be home.

The Coen Brothers


My boyfriend has a website devoted to the Coen Brothers at www.coenbrothers.net. I love it. I never understood the brilliance of their screenplays until I started dating Brent. I own several of their films including The Hudsucker Proxy, O Brother Where Art Thou, and Fargo. The picture comes from The LadyKillers, a more recent film with the legendary Tom Hanks as the star. They make such diverse movies with excellent dialogue and often dark humor. Their writing is intelligent. A perfect example of this is Barton Fink. You have to listen and watch the story to understand the broader meaning of the film. I absolutely adore their films. I felt like a nerd earlier because I went on Brent's website to the forum and posted a comment. I don't ever post comments on websites. Of course, I am not the type to be aware of websites that offer interaction. I have just now gotten internet access in my apartment so I think life will become more web friendly now. I think I only felt like a nerd because Brent will tease me when he sees that I commented on his site. He'll like it though. Check out the website. I think it's brilliant. I never realized a ton of films I love where written by the same two men... See for yourself.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Visiting Friends

My friend Robert is coming into town from Missouri in the wee hours of morning, so technically tomorrow morning. I am SO excited to see him. Unsure of specific plans- but it is guaranteed that we will be talking up a storm. Robert is so insightful and a wonderful listener, and I award him the same courtesies. We have shared journal entries and poems. He is one of the best friends I have ever had, and I am more than thrilled he will be here for three whole days. The last time he was here with five other people, so we didn't have time to talk like we normally do. I will have him all to myself this time... and he is going to be meeting a couple people who are very important to me. I can't wait to hug him...

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Seeing Blind



I have this theory that you can be fully aware of something, watching intently even, and not really see what is going on. I can sit and watch people interact and interpret the situation incorrectly. I can look at data on a page and not understand a since digit. We all see blindly on occasion. Next week I will see my mother. I will be able to hug her, make breakfast, and talk casually while sipping hot tea. God I love my momma. She is my best friend, someone I love to talk to and feel that I have to clear every major decision with before making it. Next week I will see her, but I won't really see her. I won't allow myself to see how much weaker she is since the last time I saw her or how her foot twitches uncontrollably. I won't allow myself to see how much pain she is in because I can't deal with it. I can't really see her for fear that I will sob. I need to be strong for her and focus on what we have now, what we can share now. I love building memories with her, and I love our shared laughter. Sometimes seeing blind is my only saving grace.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

The Shit Hit the Fan


This last week I almost quit my job. I was placed on a 90 day Written Warning. A high profile client was upset with the policy they chose and I served as a scapegoat because I delivered bad news to a patient. Giving bad news is part of our job when dealing within the policies of a plan and prescription coverage. I did nothing wrong on the call and the patient did not submit a complaint regarding the customer service I provided, but because of his plan limitations. The client is now threatening to leave our company and I suppose the higher ups in our company wanted someone's head to roll, and it happened to be mine.
When my supervisor gave me the news, I was devastated and livid. I have never been told on any job that I was not performing well enough. I also had no Verbal Warning so jumping ahead to a Written was completely unjustified. I told my supervisor it was bullshit and said I would need to start looking for another job. I will not work for a company that is willing to place that amount of blame on me when I was doing my job as I had been trained. I give 100 % to this job and felt like I had been slapped in the face. I left work early because I was so upset and couldn't sleep that night.
The next morning they told me based on my reaction the amount of time was reduced to a 30 day Written Warning. That is when I fought back. I printed out the call history showing 3 other people told the patient the same answer I did and a training manual showing "help people within plan parameters." I talked to a manager, stated my case, and after talking to the call center director-- won.
I am no longer on a Written, but now doubt our company and in house politics. Can I really trust management now? Probably not.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Shift Bids

Our company goes through shift bids every 6 months to accomodate call flow and to make sure we are appropriately staffed. We are ranked according to our job performance and attendance. The rank you receive determines when you get to chose your shift in line. For example, if you are 7 out of a possible 21, you get the 7th pick out of your queue. So basically, 6 other people have the opportunity to take the shift that you want.
We started going through this process in October of last year, so it's very new to the call center. The first time it occurred many people left because they couldn't adjust their schedules. People have busy lives with day care, college, traffic commute... or maybe you just want something simple like Sundays off to watch football during the season or two days off in a row.
People were furious last time with the implementation and my rank didn't help. I was number one with nothing to worry about except for the chiding way my co-workers treated me. Much to my surprise, I am number one again. I am by no means the "best" on my team. Every one of us has strengths in certain areas, that is why we are all supervisors. My stats are high and my attendance is perfect (well, not really but it ends up that way on the books). The score has to be based strictly on numbers in order to be efficient.
The whole process seems cold even though I understand the need for it. People hate change, and having a job that forces it so frequently sucks. The anxiety will return 6 months from now, and six months from then, until I grow some brains and find another job.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

What a bummer!


I am working 8 hours of overtime today but that isn't actually what I am going to complain about. I woke up this morning in a terrific mood, the sun was shining through my windows and the weather was just... perfect. I just came back from a cigarette break and storm clouds are looming. I LEFT MY WINDOWS OPEN IN MY APARTMENT! Not just a little bit open either, there is at least a foot of availability for the rain to drench my carpet, tv, curtains... sigh. Oh well. And the worst part is that I am not supposed to be at work today until 6 o'clock at night, possibly 7 if needed. I am supposed to be eating breakfast with my girlfriend Sydney. (I need money though). And no one has keys to my place to shut the windows for me. Hopefully the rain won't come in at an angle. I wish I didn't worry so much...

Monday, March 06, 2006

Slightly Retarded Cousin of the Horse

Have you ever looked at a donkey? They are by far the most amusing animals on this planet. They are strong, stubborn, and relaxed. They have bloated bellies and big eyes- they just aren't pretty. Go ahead and google the word DONKEY. I dare you...

Monday, February 20, 2006

Dangerous Beauty

My boyfriend saw that I had rented Dangerous Beauty from Blockbuster and asked if I were some type of horn dog... or something along those lines! ;) Yes, Kate McCormack is stunning and there are two tasteful sex scenes, but I find the movie intriguing. I watched it years ago when I was in college and was instantly transported to Venis during the Renaissance period. The costumes are accurate, the dialogue appropriate, and it's clear that women have two choices: marry and be confined to needlepoint the rest of your life or become a courtesan and get an education in order to entertain the gentleman. Veronica Franco is the main character who falls in love with a man above her station, Marco Venier. When he tells her they cannot wed he states "Love does not an inheritance make." Veronica's mother seizes the opportunity of her broken heart to teach her the art of seducing men. However, it is not until she realizes that courtesans can visit the library that she actually embraces her fate. Veronica is an intelligent, quick witted, beautiful poet and because of this captures the hearts of all the men who pay her wages. She becomes a national asset after seducing a neighboring king, in return getting needed ships for war. The city turns toward the end of the story from alive and vibrant to sick with disease and plague. The religious zealots point the blame at the courtesans screaming witchcraft and somehow forget to condemn the men who kept them in employment. The story is captivating and full of human nature. Yes, the cover is sexual and most people would walk by it- but it is a classic story of romance set in a time where sex was something that was natural and not be done in the dark. People embraced themselves and the wishes of their body, but there remained a struggle to do what society expected of you. Marriage was a contract. Love was love.



Wednesday, February 15, 2006

"I thought we were cooler than that..." UPDATE

The man in question was fired yesterday. I had posted a blog concerning him last month. I was surprisingly sad that he was dismissed. I like him as a person, just not as a co-worker. Life goes on I suppose.

Belting it Out

Last night one of my favorite songs "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion started playing while I was sitting with my boyfriend on the sofa. I felt compelled to sing but for some reason- not in front of him. I have sung in front of an audience of about five hundred but couldn't muster the courage to sing in front of one man. By the start of the chorus, I had convinced Brent to go into the kitchen so I could stand up and sing at the top of my voice. My heart soared with the melody I am so familiar with. When the song ended I poked my head around the corner and said, "I'm done" with a sheepish look on my face. He didn't say anything, he just smiled. Over dinner he said I really belted it out. Maybe I will be able to sing in front of him now, I felt approval in his gaze.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

"Smart"


I was just told by someone that I was "so smart." They admire me. Wow. How nice is that to hear?! Sometimes working in a call center as a knowledge base can be completely and totally draining, but when I hear compliments I am rejuvinated.
But what does smart mean? We all have the same avenues of research... is smart more your retention level or desire to learn? I have always been "smart." I got excellent grades in school and college, mainly because I am never satisfied unless I give 110%. But why doesn't everyone?
Does everyone have an equal chance at intelligence? For instance, if I marry a smart man, does that guarantee a smart child or will they have to work for it as I have? Not everything comes naturally to me. I am truly stumped at certain applications and have to work for it. When I was a kid I had a slight learning disability inverting numbers... to this day I still have to double check my work. I inverted numbers in my checkbook recently- thankfully it was just the cents!! But why did I strive to improve and enhance myself? Why am I driven when not everyone is? Is this because my parents urged me to suceed?
Is intelligence hereditary or behavorial? It's probably a combination of the two. Can you be smart and totally lacking ambition... yes. So does that mean you aren't smart? No.... just lazy or comfortable with your station of life.
Maybe I am just an ansy perfectionist.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Anticipating A Packed Apartment

Tonight I have invited many of my girlfriends over for a spaghetti dinner. There are going to be nine of us total. I think I may be in over my head... but I love to entertain. I love to cook for people and hear them enjoying the food I have prepared. I cleaned my bathroom last night, straightened the living room, and even made my bed this morning because I am sure someone will roam in there to enjoy the atmosphere. I have everything ready to start cooking when I get home after work and will have 30 minutes before people start arriving. I am very excited. These are a fun group of girls and I know we won't need television to stay amused. With that many people in a one bedroom apartment, there will be several small conversations. Hopefully everything will run smoothly and no one will notice the massive hickey on my neck. My Christian girlfriends will tease me mercilessly and I blush so easily.... I am so looking forward to tonight...

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Eating Cake- Betty Crocker style

God I love store-bought cake.

I just ate a Hostess cake given to me by a co-worker. It was creamy in the center and the cake itself was moist. Yum. I know it's silly, but cake is one of my favorite desserts. I love it's simplicity. I love being able to go to the grocery store, pick up a box of Betty Crocker cake mix and frosting, go home and one hour later have a wonderful, delicious cake. I lean toward mixes with pudding and whipped frosting, it adds something extra to the finished product. I make it for friends, I enjoy it with coffee, I savor each bite.

Isn't cake just the best?

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

So... Yesterday I made phone calls...

I called my sister and left a message saying I would appreciate her not making comments about my weight because I am too chicken otherwise. I called a friend who I haven't spoken to in some time, I used to see her at least weekly... It's weird though because I left messages for both and when they both called back- I didn't want to talk to them.
With my sister Georgia, she tends to blame everything on my sensitive nature. She always apologizes for hurting my feelings, but she always ends up saying I am "too sensitive." Apparently she has always made comments that I need to lose weight but I am more aware of it now because she has lost 65 pounds recently. Well- she had a gastric bypass surgery so her body has no choice but to lose weight... but she makes a solid point. Maybe I am more insecure now that my sister who has consistently been larger is getting down to my size. It's inevitable that she will be smaller than I am... I am curvy. I am a size 14 and just fine with that. But she said last night, "I just need you to be aware that I will probably end up smaller than you, and I don't think you are going to like it." And I probably won't. It is high time for her to be seen as the smaller sister though... The prettier one. My sister is beautiful and has always been, but the world sees a larger woman and that's all. I am excited for her. I am excited that she is starting to shop in regular stores and enjoys wearing skirts now. I am excited that her life is changing and more doors are opening. Being obese is oppressive. I want her to feel confident the way I do...
And Katie. Katie and I have such a history. She is the first friend I made when I moved here. I love Katie. She is bright and bubbly, and very honest. We have always encouraged one another but I suspect that she has moved on. She is a Christian and strives to be a better Christian. We used to have that in common and since I haven't renewed my subscription to the god card- I feel like she no longer wants me close to her. I understand that. If I encourage her to question things against her beliefs- I understand her need for distance if she is trying to stay the course. Being a strong Christian is incredibly difficult. But I still need to call her back and see where our friendship stands. I haven't seen her since October... and we've only talked a handful of times since... We will see.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

"I thought we were cooler than that..."

There is a guy at work who loves to hear himself talk. He comes from a wealthy family and has many possessions that I am sure he doesn't pay for himself. How could you work part-time in a call center and afford to live in a million dollar home without help from the folks?? Anyway, he's loud and often hilarious. He is great at verbiage and could probably talk anyone down. The problem I have is when he crosses the line with his liberal ways. I was on a break when he threw a stack of papers at me after putting a patient on hold. He got back on the line and proceeded to say how "Lydia B needs coaching" and he would be sure to talk to me. After saying my name twice at the top of his voice, I was infuriated. I was publically humiliated. In a call center, sound travels. Everyone on my team heard him and wondered what I had done wrong, wondered what I didn't know or passed along to the patient incorrectly. There were several regular reps in the surrounding area who look to me for help and supervision that I am sure heard him. I walked away. I fumed into the break room and decided that something had to be done. I had addressed him in the past for unprofessional behavior and he laughed at me. So I asked my supervisor for a meeting and explained my frustration. If I need coaching or help with something, by all means tell me, but tell me privately. Do not make a scene. My supervisor had actually heard him saying it and agreed that he was out of line and too loud, but it didn't surprise me that she didn't think to address him without me coming to her. You see, this guy's sister works in human resources, he gets away with murder. As an apology, he sent me an email saying he assumed I knew he was only kidding and never meant to offend me. Well. He did. I didn't respond to the email and treated him as I always do later that day. Yesterday he brought it up again saying I should have addressed him directly because he thought we were cooler than that. I tried to defend myself saying he never takes me seriously... but then I thought to myself.... I didn't bus toss this guy. If he is "hanging onto his job by his fingernails" he shouldn't say shit like that. Obviously he is going to offend someone. He is trying to manipulate me into thinking my actions were wrong by going to my supervisor. So do I go to him again and state my case? I think not. In this situation, I think I have done what needed to be done. Beyond that, I simply don't care.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Slow Days

Today is Martin Luther King Jr Day and as a direct result, I am sure many of our patients think our company is closed. Little do they know our call center stays open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. And yes, that includes Christmas. But am I complaining? Oh no, we don't have to work the holidays unless enough people don't volunteer. And money hungry people like myself definitely do exist. But today, the calls are slow and I am enjoying my co-workers. We are cracking jokes, talking about silly things, and actually laughing for a change. The job itself is just so stressful. Typically, the calls are back to back and dealing with people who test our patience is trying. You have to read your caller. You have to know when to be firm and when to be understanding. You have to respect them even if they are yelling at you and turning it into a personal matter. You basically have to go above and beyond on every call in order to be scored well and succeed in the company. So yeah, it is stressful. I don't always like it and I am not always good at it, but I do succeed in my job. Today feels like a reward. It's nice to be able to enjoy the day between calls, to take a breath and relax.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Filling in the Spaces

In memories I often fill in the blank spaces with my imagination. I don't remember childhood stories clearly, so I embellish and am known for stealing my sister's experiences. I was a boring child! I had a speech disorder and just didn't talk much until I was well into elementary school... causing me to be somewhat complacent. My older cousin says all he remembered about me from a visit was that I was a blond, silent angel. Hah! My sister Georgia used to hit me all the time, complete and total bully. (She admits it.) I used to just stand there and scream whenever she came near me. Momma just assumed she was hitting me so Georgia would get in trouble. It was brilliant. And that story really is true. Filling in the spaces can be such fun. It makes life more interesting and vibrant. And why not remember my childhood in a slightly better light?

Friday, January 13, 2006

Boyfriends

Isn't it amazing how much time a boyfriend can take up in your life? Now, I personally don't mind one bit. Of course I have a wonderful person who makes me laugh, is smart, and is very attractive. (And if he reads this he is going to kill me....) But let me tell you, sometimes I am floored by my good fortune. I liked Brent for a while before we went on our first date and for months I truly thought he was out of my league. I did. I know that is a horrible thing to admit. I am a cute, spunky girl but I know my limitations. I honestly thought this man was just too good for me, too much of a prize. Now I have him in my heart and in my arms. It's truly odd when I allow myself to think about how much my life has changed since he walked into it....

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Shades

There are many different shades in life... the most common form deals with color. Color is all around us and can be dull and boring, or vibrant and full of life. We tend to surround ourselves with colors that suit our moods or personalities. For example, my apartment contains many different shades of blue. Blue calms me. I admire people bold enough to have red leather furniture and orange wall hangings... but for me... blue with pictures of nature on the walls in simple frames. It's amazing how we associate color. When we see red, we can be inspired to anger. Green is peace. Yellow is sunlight. Black is doom. Pink is for girls and blue is for boys. Color raises interest and holds us close. I am so grateful for the gift of sight and its' many pleasures.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Feeling Better

I have felt somewhat icky the last several days. I left work early yesterday and proceeded to take a 3 1/2 hour nap... needless to say I feel LOADS better. It's amazing what extra sleep can do. I spent the evening with my wonderful boyfriend. He made me dinner and we played scrabble. I got home and was in bed by 12:15 am... which is early for me. My mood is elevated and I feel good. I feel like my normal self again and it is such a relief. I have a spring in my step again and am able to smile and mean it. Now all I have to do it wait until 6 pm to leave the workplace so my night of freedom can begin...

Sunday, January 01, 2006

New Year Resolutions

Last night was so much fun. I met my boyfriend's buddies from college to celebrate the new year... talk about walking into a tight nit group of friends. But surprisingly, I did not feel like the outsider. I only realized this morning that I was probably under the microscope. It's okay and to be expected... and I did look great. I was my normal, charming self and won them over. (Big, cheesy grin currently on my face.) Seriously though, there was no reason to be anything but myself. One thing I think about every year is what I want to change in my life- my "New Year's Resolutions." Most women include losing weight somewhere on the list. But let me tell you- this year I have decided to not make any promises to myself that I will not keep. If it were important to me, I would have started when I realized its' importance- not because it is a new year. For example, if I wanted to quit smoking, I would have stopped by now. I do understand it's horrible for my health and an expensive habit, but I derive too much enjoyment from it to reasonable stop and to say that I will simply because it's a new year is a joke. I love my life. I honestly don't like my job very much, but I love my life. I know I have weaknesses and things in my life that need improvement- but overall I am happy. I like myself and can stand behind who I have become. I hope all of you reading can say the same.