So... Yesterday I made phone calls...

I called my sister and left a message saying I would appreciate her not making comments about my weight because I am too chicken otherwise. I called a friend who I haven't spoken to in some time, I used to see her at least weekly... It's weird though because I left messages for both and when they both called back- I didn't want to talk to them.
With my sister Georgia, she tends to blame everything on my sensitive nature. She always apologizes for hurting my feelings, but she always ends up saying I am "too sensitive." Apparently she has always made comments that I need to lose weight but I am more aware of it now because she has lost 65 pounds recently. Well- she had a gastric bypass surgery so her body has no choice but to lose weight... but she makes a solid point. Maybe I am more insecure now that my sister who has consistently been larger is getting down to my size. It's inevitable that she will be smaller than I am... I am curvy. I am a size 14 and just fine with that. But she said last night, "I just need you to be aware that I will probably end up smaller than you, and I don't think you are going to like it." And I probably won't. It is high time for her to be seen as the smaller sister though... The prettier one. My sister is beautiful and has always been, but the world sees a larger woman and that's all. I am excited for her. I am excited that she is starting to shop in regular stores and enjoys wearing skirts now. I am excited that her life is changing and more doors are opening. Being obese is oppressive. I want her to feel confident the way I do...
And Katie. Katie and I have such a history. She is the first friend I made when I moved here. I love Katie. She is bright and bubbly, and very honest. We have always encouraged one another but I suspect that she has moved on. She is a Christian and strives to be a better Christian. We used to have that in common and since I haven't renewed my subscription to the god card- I feel like she no longer wants me close to her. I understand that. If I encourage her to question things against her beliefs- I understand her need for distance if she is trying to stay the course. Being a strong Christian is incredibly difficult. But I still need to call her back and see where our friendship stands. I haven't seen her since October... and we've only talked a handful of times since... We will see.

"I thought we were cooler than that..."

There is a guy at work who loves to hear himself talk. He comes from a wealthy family and has many possessions that I am sure he doesn't pay for himself. How could you work part-time in a call center and afford to live in a million dollar home without help from the folks?? Anyway, he's loud and often hilarious. He is great at verbiage and could probably talk anyone down. The problem I have is when he crosses the line with his liberal ways. I was on a break when he threw a stack of papers at me after putting a patient on hold. He got back on the line and proceeded to say how "Lydia B needs coaching" and he would be sure to talk to me. After saying my name twice at the top of his voice, I was infuriated. I was publically humiliated. In a call center, sound travels. Everyone on my team heard him and wondered what I had done wrong, wondered what I didn't know or passed along to the patient incorrectly. There were several regular reps in the surrounding area who look to me for help and supervision that I am sure heard him. I walked away. I fumed into the break room and decided that something had to be done. I had addressed him in the past for unprofessional behavior and he laughed at me. So I asked my supervisor for a meeting and explained my frustration. If I need coaching or help with something, by all means tell me, but tell me privately. Do not make a scene. My supervisor had actually heard him saying it and agreed that he was out of line and too loud, but it didn't surprise me that she didn't think to address him without me coming to her. You see, this guy's sister works in human resources, he gets away with murder. As an apology, he sent me an email saying he assumed I knew he was only kidding and never meant to offend me. Well. He did. I didn't respond to the email and treated him as I always do later that day. Yesterday he brought it up again saying I should have addressed him directly because he thought we were cooler than that. I tried to defend myself saying he never takes me seriously... but then I thought to myself.... I didn't bus toss this guy. If he is "hanging onto his job by his fingernails" he shouldn't say shit like that. Obviously he is going to offend someone. He is trying to manipulate me into thinking my actions were wrong by going to my supervisor. So do I go to him again and state my case? I think not. In this situation, I think I have done what needed to be done. Beyond that, I simply don't care.

Slow Days

Today is Martin Luther King Jr Day and as a direct result, I am sure many of our patients think our company is closed. Little do they know our call center stays open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. And yes, that includes Christmas. But am I complaining? Oh no, we don't have to work the holidays unless enough people don't volunteer. And money hungry people like myself definitely do exist. But today, the calls are slow and I am enjoying my co-workers. We are cracking jokes, talking about silly things, and actually laughing for a change. The job itself is just so stressful. Typically, the calls are back to back and dealing with people who test our patience is trying. You have to read your caller. You have to know when to be firm and when to be understanding. You have to respect them even if they are yelling at you and turning it into a personal matter. You basically have to go above and beyond on every call in order to be scored well and succeed in the company. So yeah, it is stressful. I don't always like it and I am not always good at it, but I do succeed in my job. Today feels like a reward. It's nice to be able to enjoy the day between calls, to take a breath and relax.

Filling in the Spaces

In memories I often fill in the blank spaces with my imagination. I don't remember childhood stories clearly, so I embellish and am known for stealing my sister's experiences. I was a boring child! I had a speech disorder and just didn't talk much until I was well into elementary school... causing me to be somewhat complacent. My older cousin says all he remembered about me from a visit was that I was a blond, silent angel. Hah! My sister Georgia used to hit me all the time, complete and total bully. (She admits it.) I used to just stand there and scream whenever she came near me. Momma just assumed she was hitting me so Georgia would get in trouble. It was brilliant. And that story really is true. Filling in the spaces can be such fun. It makes life more interesting and vibrant. And why not remember my childhood in a slightly better light?

Boyfriends

Isn't it amazing how much time a boyfriend can take up in your life? Now, I personally don't mind one bit. Of course I have a wonderful person who makes me laugh, is smart, and is very attractive. (And if he reads this he is going to kill me....) But let me tell you, sometimes I am floored by my good fortune. I liked Brent for a while before we went on our first date and for months I truly thought he was out of my league. I did. I know that is a horrible thing to admit. I am a cute, spunky girl but I know my limitations. I honestly thought this man was just too good for me, too much of a prize. Now I have him in my heart and in my arms. It's truly odd when I allow myself to think about how much my life has changed since he walked into it....

Shades

There are many different shades in life... the most common form deals with color. Color is all around us and can be dull and boring, or vibrant and full of life. We tend to surround ourselves with colors that suit our moods or personalities. For example, my apartment contains many different shades of blue. Blue calms me. I admire people bold enough to have red leather furniture and orange wall hangings... but for me... blue with pictures of nature on the walls in simple frames. It's amazing how we associate color. When we see red, we can be inspired to anger. Green is peace. Yellow is sunlight. Black is doom. Pink is for girls and blue is for boys. Color raises interest and holds us close. I am so grateful for the gift of sight and its' many pleasures.

Feeling Better

I have felt somewhat icky the last several days. I left work early yesterday and proceeded to take a 3 1/2 hour nap... needless to say I feel LOADS better. It's amazing what extra sleep can do. I spent the evening with my wonderful boyfriend. He made me dinner and we played scrabble. I got home and was in bed by 12:15 am... which is early for me. My mood is elevated and I feel good. I feel like my normal self again and it is such a relief. I have a spring in my step again and am able to smile and mean it. Now all I have to do it wait until 6 pm to leave the workplace so my night of freedom can begin...

New Year Resolutions

Last night was so much fun. I met my boyfriend's buddies from college to celebrate the new year... talk about walking into a tight nit group of friends. But surprisingly, I did not feel like the outsider. I only realized this morning that I was probably under the microscope. It's okay and to be expected... and I did look great. I was my normal, charming self and won them over. (Big, cheesy grin currently on my face.) Seriously though, there was no reason to be anything but myself. One thing I think about every year is what I want to change in my life- my "New Year's Resolutions." Most women include losing weight somewhere on the list. But let me tell you- this year I have decided to not make any promises to myself that I will not keep. If it were important to me, I would have started when I realized its' importance- not because it is a new year. For example, if I wanted to quit smoking, I would have stopped by now. I do understand it's horrible for my health and an expensive habit, but I derive too much enjoyment from it to reasonable stop and to say that I will simply because it's a new year is a joke. I love my life. I honestly don't like my job very much, but I love my life. I know I have weaknesses and things in my life that need improvement- but overall I am happy. I like myself and can stand behind who I have become. I hope all of you reading can say the same.