Gatsby

Gatsby awaiting the arrival of Daisy

Here are my thoughts on Gatsby, the most recent remake of F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby.  I was very skeptical going into watching this movie.  The director is known for crazy camera action, and explosions of visual splendor.  I thought this would capture the party scenes and opulence of Gatsby quite well, but I never imagined it would also help emphasize the desperation of Jay Gatsby.

Leonardo DiCaprio was amazing in his role of Gatsby.  I wasn't sold the first time the audience was introduced to the man, but as the movie progressed I realized he brought something to the screen that Robert Redford never did... paranoia, desperation, and longing.  Robert Redford was so golden in his charm that the utter despair that was expressed in the novel never made it onto the screen across a vapid Mia Farrow.  DiCaprio brought tears to my eyes in his anxiety upon seeing Daisy Buchanan for the first time in five years.

The story of Gatsby has always haunted me.  A boy who grows up penniless only to find himself introduced to a woman above his position during the war.  The two fall in love.  Upon hearing that he has no wealth, she marries another.  He remains blindly hopeful that she will come back to him and believes his true stature will never be attained until she is at his side.  No other woman will do.  It has to be her.  This drives him to do anything to be rich, and in the time of the roaring Twenties, that meant getting involved in bootlegging or organized crime.  Redford was far too cool to believe he would sully his hands, but DiCaprio had an edge to his charm.  A side that said, "Don't fuck with me."

Daisy and Tom Buchanan could not be more useless human beings, but I feel that Carey Mulligan was almost too likable for the role.  She appeared weak, but she didn't capture the selfishness that Mia Farrow did years ago.  I disliked Mia Farrow as an actress for years because of that role, not understanding that it was just a role.  Now I respect her more as an actress for being so off-putting.  How fickle women are!

The narrator, Nick Carraway, played by Tobey Maguire, brought a vibrancy to the movie that the Redford version lacked.  It brought the story to life to understand how dramatically the destruction of Gatsby and his reputation affected another.  Maguire managed to make Carraway look confident, yet curious.  He was always outside of the situation, and he was very aware of it.  The narration through out the film was true to the novel and really directed the flow of the film.

I thought the remake was great, and mostly in part to the acting chops of Leonardo DiCaprio.  He was simply stunning.

Extended Power Outages in Modern Society

When you live in an Urban area, you never expect to be without electricity for over an hour. It is practically unheard of. At this point, it has been nearly 3 days for my family located in NW Minneapolis. There are still 40,000 Excel Energy customers without power. There are over 3 million people living in the Twin Cities, and we are a percentage of the unfortunate without power.

We lost hundreds of dollars of groceries, put out over a hundred on necessary supplies, and do not anticipate getting electricity back for 2 more days. Our home is very hot in the summer weather with no means of cooling it down and we have two very young kids.

The bright side is – no electricity! You are forced to talk to one another. You are forced to cooperate toward a common goal. Your fridge is ridiculously easy to clean when it’s bare!

The downside is – no electricity! Baby Anna is sweating at night. Alex is scared at night and wonders why we won’t turn on his fan. We are surrounded by homes with generators so there is an ever-present HUMMMMM! You have to charge your portable electronics when and where you can. You have to give the kids a bath by the light of a lantern… no windows in the bathroom.

More downsides than positive, but this June is definitely going down in the Johnson history book.

Coming Down

After Anna was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. It took me a few months to accept that I was no longer in control of my emotions. I remember the night I admitted I had a problem. I was giving Alex a bath and he was being naughty. I was losing my patience with him and telling him loudly to stop acting up. I remember looking down, breathing in deeply a few moments, and then all of a sudden splashing him! I wanted to help him snap out of the mood by doing something unexpected and fun. Brent came running in from the living room with a scared look on his face. Alex and I both looked up at him with smiles on our faces like, “What do you want?” Brent’s ashen look was haunting me so I asked him about it later that night. He said, “Well, you were upset and then everything got quiet. Then lots of splashing. I thought the worst.” When my hand flew to my mouth in shock, Brent simply stated “Sad mommies do things they don’t mean to.” I made a doctor’s appointment the next morning.


As I talked it over with my long-time doctor, I realized how sad, angry, and bitter I had become. I was not seeing joy in life, except with my kids. I was distant with my family and friends. I was very angry with Brent and very easily irritated. Brent suffered the worst of it, I yelled at him loudly and often for things he was doing that had never bothered me before. I was thinking too often about blurting out words like, “I would rather do this on my own” or “I want a divorce!” My relationship with Anna was not suffering. I had completely and totally bonded with her. I would sit and cry thinking how beautiful she was, how perfect my little angel was. But I will admit that I couldn’t just sit and snuggle her… I was too distracted by chores that needed to be done. The chores would anger me because I was doing EVERYTHING and then I would blow up. It was a terrible, vicious cycle.

I always thought that postpartum meant you didn’t bond with your baby and were sad. For me, it was anxiety, anger, low energy, and Anhedonia (not experiencing pleasure in basic things). After I started taking medication to treat my symptoms, it still took me weeks to admit that I actually needed them and if my diagnosis was correct.

Once the meds kicked in, I felt great! I thought they were working too well; I was kind of hyper and had lots of energy. At my first follow-up, the doctor described since I was still having a range of emotions meaning I was still feeling irritable or sad when appropriate… I just wasn’t used to being happy. I just started crying out of relief. I had a tough pregnancy with Anna. I hadn’t felt good in over a year!

These past few years have been challenging. A difficult pregnancy, postpartum depression, and now coming down off the medication. SSRI’s have a long half life so they will not be fully out of my system until early July. I feel more and more like myself. I have always been a happy girl. I find joy in life and enjoy people. The trouble is; I have been excusing any and all bad behavior because I have postpartum depression. Now that I have been successfully treated, I won’t be able to do that. I will have to deal with my temper like everyone else. When I feel that all-too-familiar heat rise to my face, I have to suck it up and deal with it. Before, there was no controlling it. I had rage. Having two small kids can be so challenging, but I am enjoying it. I love coming home in the evenings to my family. I love my husband and am thoroughly enjoying all of the perks of being married again. Anna will be 1 next month, and I have faith that only good is yet to come.

Sick and Nosebleeds

Why is it when I am down my nose insists on kicking me?  I get nosebleeds when I am sick because my nasal passages get so dry.  Gross, right?  Here I am blowing my nose and then putting Aquafor in my nasal cavities with a Q-Tip and I STILL GET NOSEBLEEDS!  What the hell?!  Then, after the bleeding stops I am afraid to blow my nose.  Then the clots come.  It is all around a terrible experience for me and my fragile constitution.