A couple of thoughts for the New Year

1. Isn’t it lovely being a mother? I didn’t anticipate the pure joy a little one brings into your life. I cannot begin to express how much love has filled our home with the addition of Alex into our family. Brent and I are so blessed to have such a happy little guy.
2. Just breathe. Stress can come in so many different ways. Sometimes it hits all at once and causes a physical reaction. Sometimes it creeps in and takes you by surprise. However the delivery… just breathe. It will pass.
3. I’m worth it. I need to make time for me… to develop my interests and take care of myself. Just because I am a mom doesn’t mean I can’t have girl time… or time to scrapbook… or time to read. I am worth setting time aside for.
4. Let’s Get Physical! I have gained more weight than I care to admit since I have been in a happy, committed relationship with Brent. My tummy is gross. I am used to the big thighs and hips… but a tummy too! That won’t do!
5. Enjoy the small moments. Sometimes I work myself into a tizzy with all of the cleaning around the house or chores… and I forget to stop and enjoy the small things. And with Alex, there are so many precious moments to witness.

Some pictures from 2009:


Brent and I before a friends wedding over the summer.


I like to call this one "First man to man chat"

Tummy Time!

Marty being adorable

A big change for Alex and I

Alex and I are making a change. He was giving me all the signs that breastfeeding was no longer working for him... so on Monday evening we started the process of weaning. It has been seamless for Alex since he is well accustomed to eating formula... but I am a hot mess.

It is devastating knowing that I cannot keep up enough with him. It's the simple law of supply and demand. He can eat 10 ounces of formula at a time now... and when he nurses he only gets about 2 ounces. The last few weeks Alex has only been able to nurse about 5-7 minutes, and then he snoozes. I switch breasts and the same thing happens. So basically, he was working really hard and exhausting himself. And he was left hungry. And since he was working so hard, I was left sore.

Since I wrote last, Alex and I found such a happy place breastfeeding. It was comforting for both of us and I miss it desperately. He would nurse, hang out for a little while, and then we would suppliment with formula. But the last several weeks he has just needed more than I can give. He needed more, sooner. I even tried eating seaweed soup (it is believed to increase milk supply in Korean cultures). But Alex is eating solids now and is just a hungry little guy. I can't help but feel inadequate. If I could supply more, we would still be nursing.

The pain in my breasts this week has been more than expected, but it's nothing compared to the emotions I am battling. Today they haven't been hurting as badly... and it is is killing me. That means my milk is drying up. That means this stage is almost over. That means I only have a day or two before I can't produce anything at all...

Brent says I should be proud of sticking with it even though we experienced so many challenges in the beginning. He says I have given Alex exactly what he needed. Now he just needs something else. And as I write that I know it's true but I am crying anyway. Is this normal?! I just feel so torn up about the whole thing.

I know it's the right decision but that doesn't make it easier. Women are not known for being rational. I won't lie and say the idea of wearing a normal bra and drinking a beer doesn't excite me... but this has been such a special time for us. It's our quiet time.

I have no doubt I will remember the simple pleasure of knowing I provided something so special to my son. I need to focus on the fact that some women don't have the opportunity to breastfeed at all and count myself fortunate for these past four and a half months.

Breast milk is best, but for how long?

I am sure the question of the duration of breastfeeding has plagued many mothers. Not because we don’t enjoy being milk cows, but because we want what is best for our children. Some doctors (and I am quite certain they must be men) recommend breastfeeding for the first two years of your child’s life. I am sorry but WHAT?! At that point the kid would be unbuttoning your shirt and everything. That is a bit much. My mom and I discussed this and she said, “Well, women in other countries breast feed their children for years.” I am sure they do in third world countries out of necessity… no means to do otherwise. America is different. Breastfeeding is all about “bonding” and “doing what is best for your baby.” Okay, well what if you don’t produce enough milk to solely breastfeed? What if your baby tolerates formula very well and is starting to be antsy at the breast like the food isn’t coming fast enough? Is it okay to “wean” the baby at that point?

Alex and I have struggled with feeding from day one. He was aggressive, I got injured by my breast pump, and I’ve never produced enough milk for him. I felt so terribly guilty about that at first, and still do at times, but I do what I can. I pump and breastfeed but his main intake is formula. He clearly likes breast milk from a bottle and loves to breastfeed. Most of the time. Lately he is becoming panicky while breastfeeding and doesn’t calm down enough to drink. I get frustrated. He stays frustrated. I end up giving him a bottle and pumping which completely derails my time to bond with my son.

This unfortunate pattern has occurred several times over the past few weeks and has got me wondering about when to toss in the towel. I simply don’t want to start looking at breastfeeding as a chore.

I know that Alex is at a disadvantage because he gets mainly formula, but a lot of women can’t – or choose not to – breastfeed at all. He’s had 3 months of about 12 ounces of breast milk a day. And believe me, I work hard for that amount! Since most women can produce 8 ounces in one pump session, my 12 ounces a day seems like a small number. But again, I work hard for it and am proud of it. I am proud of my dedication.

Alex is still a little guy and I don’t want to feel guilty about stopping but at the same time I want my body back. I just don’t want to be selfish in this. After all, being a mom automatically means you will sacrifice.

The length of time is personal to every woman. I have friends who breastfed from 6 weeks to 8 months. One of my friends chose not to breastfeed at all because she experienced so much pain initially. It’s a personal choice.

And for me, making a tough decision requires time and thinking out loud which is why I am asking other mothers what they think and writing about it. Are there any opinions out there worth sharing? I will make my own decision for what is best for Alex and I… but I always like to know what people are thinking. I simply don’t want to start looking at breastfeeding as a chore.

My little boy Alex...

Alex joined this world officially on 7/23/09 at 9 lbs, 4 oz. He is just beautiful!! The picture above was taken about 1 hour after Alex was born. We had a great birth experience (considering). Alex took his time in getting here and we had to be induced 5 days after the due date. Being induced is a strange thing because of the way childbirth is romanticized. I always imagined being woken up in the middle of the night, grabbing our overnight bag, and rushing to the hospital just in time to welcome our little bundle of joy. Well, this was nothing like that. We called the hospital to see if they had an extra bed since we were only 5 days late and considered "elective" and were on our merry way.

We arrived at the hospital at 7 AM and were told to wait for a room to clear because someone came in between the time we called and the time we arrived. We sat around the waiting room for hours and that was taking it's toll on me considering I was 9+ months pregnant and waiting rooms are not known for comfort. I was also told to eat a light breakfast and nothing else so all I had was toast and yogurt.... not much for being prego. We were admitted into our room at 10 AM. At 11 AM the doctor was able to get the ball rolling. It took about 20 minutes after the doctor broke my water and administered pitocin that the contractions started. After about 2.5 hours of back labor I was done and was ready for an epidural. The contractions were only 20-30 seconds apart and I was quickly losing all of my energy. I knew at that rate I would never be able to push effectively.

I wanted to have a natural birth but I will tell you one thing-- my birth experience went from insanely painful to letting my family join us in the room to wait until I was fully dilated. My dad's eyes were glued to the monitors and he was telling me when I was having contractions. He would say, "Oh! That was a BIG one!" Even I thought it was funny.

When the time came to push the family left and it was only Brent, a nurse named Jen, our doctor Kacey, and myself. I pushed for 2.5 hours and was constantly amazed at how wonderful my husband is. I asked for ice chips but only one or two at a time. He helped me focus on breathing which was awesome because I kept forgetting to do that. I only had one moment that was questionable-- I called him a chimp. Okay- I have to explain that one. I had an allergic reaction to the epidural and was itching like mad. I asked him, "Scratch my armpits Chimp!" You know, because Chimps groom and scratch one another. Weird. Anyway, I only cursed a few times much to my surprise. I was very cooperative and followed direction well. Again, the romanticized version of a out-of-control prego girl just didn't happen.

When it was time for Alex to arrive, the room was suddenly full of people. Brent was able to see him crown and at one point I had to stop pushing so they could unwrap the umbilical cord from Alex's head. That was very scary. Brent and I knew something was up because our doctor was talking to the nurse about how much the baby's heart dropped after each time I pushed. But in the end, Alex was born and they flopped him on my stomach. I didn't cry surprisingly at all that day, not during the pain and not from the joy of seeing my first born son. I was just in shock that it was really happening, that the day had finally come that I would meet my Peanut.

Over a month later, I gotta tell you that I love being a mom. It is the most wonderful experience to care for such a dependent little baby. I have gotten so excited in the past week because he coos now. He has characteristics, his hands are huge, and he always has toe lint. It's just been so much fun.

I will admit I was very overwhelmed at first. We struggled with breastfeeding, I lost my appetite, and I felt like I was in a fog. Just tired. I cried a lot but a lot of the time it was tears of joy at having such a beautiful, healthy son. Then one day the fog was just gone. I am so grateful for that. Now I have a clear head that knows how lucky I am to be part of such a loving family. I really hit the jack pot when I moved to Minnesota. I love my life.

Brent and I have created a blog just for Alex since our family is so spread out. Check it out for updates specific to Alex, the link to his site is on the right hand column.

Update on nursery

Here are some pictures of our progress.




The two bags are clothes we have been given and from yard sales. The mesh bag is full of receiving blankets, hooded towels, etc.




This are just two colorful, fun items. It's the diaper organizer on wheels and a baby rocker.



And finally... this is a dresser that used to belong to Brent's dad Larry when he was a boy. Refinishing it was supposed to be my project but pregnancy was upon us before I did any work. I did some sanding in the beginning, but Brent did the majority of it and all the staining/coats of polyurethane. I think he did an amazing job. There is a matching nightstand to do as well, but that can wait until Peanut arrives so I can work on it.

Things are definitely coming along. Now that the dresser is done, I will get his clothes washed in the next few days. He can come anytime as far as I am concerned! I am starting to understand fully why all women say the last month is definitely the longest. I am due on 7/18. That seems like a long way off. Just last week I started to feel uncomfortable pretty much consistently. My feet are swollen, I am achy, and Brent is consistently putting on my tennis shoes! He has been great through out this whole thing. I am convinced that we will make a good parenting pair.

I am honestly getting anxious about being sleep deprived for at least 6 months. That part worries me. But the most exciting thing for us will be meeting Mr. Peanut. I just love the little guy and can't wait to snuggle him.

Marley and Me

I have not seen such a touching movie in quite a while. There were times when I felt like I needed to stop watching just to stop and appreciate life. Just take a moment...
If you have not read the book or watched the movie and plan to- you should stop reading now. I knew from others that Marley dies at the end of the movie but once you see how much this dog affects the lives of its owners you start to understand just how difficult for their family that must have been.
We are first introduced to the "Worst Dog Ever." Just getting a puppy last March, I get how difficult it is to go through the potty training and teething. But Marley is something altogether different than what Brent and I experienced! He is a terrible dog that cannot be trusted with, well, anything! But the pure love he has for John and Jenny makes up for any hardship he causes them. There are several moments of pure warmth that are shared between man and dog- John comes home from work and sees his lovely wife dancing with Marley. The couple loses their first child and Jenny sits on the sofa not expressing any feeling at all, in shock. Marley comes and rests his head on her knee as if to say, "I understand. I love you. I am here for you." She is finally able to cry over the loss of her child.
My husband and I love our dog Marty so much that watching a family lose their pet was hard on both of us. We are very excited to have Mr. Peanut and have him grow up with such an awesome companion. It was very touching when the Grogans brought home their first baby Patrick and John sits and asks Marley not to freak out... because then maybe he won't either. Just so many moments to enjoy, share, and learn from.
We love our little Marty Bear and watching this movie makes me cherish him even more.

Click here for more information on the movie.

Phase 2 completed... weeks ago!

Sorry I haven't posted regarding Mr. Peanut's fantastic room. It is now yellow with a nice area rug and wall furnishings. We bought some frames and printed off the cutest pictures of baby animals online. There is a puppy, chicks, kittens, and a bunny. Adorable.

This is a picture of Marty and I enjoying the room... okay maybe I am enjoying it more than him! LOL

Mr. Peanut's room...

Some of the things given to Mr. Peanut by friends and family. He's not even out of the oven yet and everyone is so excited!!



This is Mr. Peanut's shelf. It has some gifts from Jessica, mom, and Auntie Emo! (And some diapers Brent bought!)

Brent moved all of Georgia's furniture out of Mr. Peanut's room! I was convinced we wouldn't have room in our small, tuckunder garage to accomodate everything... but it all worked out! This has been vexing me since Day 1 of the pregnancy. Of course, in Minnesota, you wait until Spring to do anything outdoors and that includes moving things in and out of a cold basement.

We have been storing Georgia's things for her in our spare room. It's essentially been Georgia's room! Now her twin bed with trundle bed is in the office, and her other stuff (dresser, nightstand, vanity, chair, and bins) is i the basement. I even made sure the dresser has something covering the top of it so it doesn't get all scratched up. She refinished all of the furniture (that is why she is insisting on keeping it even though she has been out of the country for 2+ years) so as long as we can provide a free storage space we will. We may need to revisit that as our family continues to grow but we'll take that as it comes. I am just thrilled that it all worked out... for all of us.

We decided to leave the twin bed up here and put my double bed downstairs because it will better suit my parents when they come in July. They would never be comfortable on a double or queen bed... but they can certainly be comfortable in their very own twin beds!

Phase 1 is complete! Phase 2 is painting in a nice soft yellow we picked out the other day at Home Depot and Phase 3 is adding the crib and what not. The big finale, of course, comes around July 18 when we bring home our baby boy...

Here are some before and after pics:

Before



After

Cool Development

Every time I consume calories Mr. Peanut kicks me. He gets all excited! It could be after I drink hot cocoa or eat a snack. Doesn't matter. He loves to kick! We haven't been able to feel him on my tummy yet mainly because he doesn't do it consistently but hope to soon. Brent is ready to feel his son move!

This is so cool.

Mr. Peanut

Well, Peanut has some extra parts between his little legs – we are having a baby boy!!

We had the 21 week ultra-sound last night and let me tell you, there is no doubt we are having a bouncing baby boy! And no, we do not have a name picked out! J Mr. Peanut weighs 1 lb 1 ounce and was moving all over the place. He has all the essentials- bladder, kidneys, 4 chamber heart, 2 legs, 2 arms, etc. It was awesome! We are so happy and thrilled to be adding another little guy to our family.

Wow. This is fun.

Long time huh?

I feel like it has been a long time since I updated my blog... I meant to add pictures from Virginia and Kentucky. I meant to write about the holidays and how much fun we had with Brent's family... but I have been tired all the time.

At least there is a reason! I am pregnant! I am about 14 weeks along and feeling good other than being tired very frequently. I have only been sick once so I am very lucky in that regard. We got to hear the baby's heartbeat on our last doctor visit!! It is all so strange and surreal. I love it.

Just to think about the fact that a little baby is growing inside my belly and will appear in mid July is beyond me! I am sure this will be one roller coaster ride I will never forget.