Alex and I are making a change. He was giving me all the signs that breastfeeding was no longer working for him... so on Monday evening we started the process of weaning. It has been seamless for Alex since he is well accustomed to eating formula... but I am a hot mess.
It is devastating knowing that I cannot keep up enough with him. It's the simple law of supply and demand. He can eat 10 ounces of formula at a time now... and when he nurses he only gets about 2 ounces. The last few weeks Alex has only been able to nurse about 5-7 minutes, and then he snoozes. I switch breasts and the same thing happens. So basically, he was working really hard and exhausting himself. And he was left hungry. And since he was working so hard, I was left sore.
Since I wrote last, Alex and I found such a happy place breastfeeding. It was comforting for both of us and I miss it desperately. He would nurse, hang out for a little while, and then we would suppliment with formula. But the last several weeks he has just needed more than I can give. He needed more, sooner. I even tried eating seaweed soup (it is believed to increase milk supply in Korean cultures). But Alex is eating solids now and is just a hungry little guy. I can't help but feel inadequate. If I could supply more, we would still be nursing.
The pain in my breasts this week has been more than expected, but it's nothing compared to the emotions I am battling. Today they haven't been hurting as badly... and it is is killing me. That means my milk is drying up. That means this stage is almost over. That means I only have a day or two before I can't produce anything at all...
Brent says I should be proud of sticking with it even though we experienced so many challenges in the beginning. He says I have given Alex exactly what he needed. Now he just needs something else. And as I write that I know it's true but I am crying anyway. Is this normal?! I just feel so torn up about the whole thing.
I know it's the right decision but that doesn't make it easier. Women are not known for being rational. I won't lie and say the idea of wearing a normal bra and drinking a beer doesn't excite me... but this has been such a special time for us. It's our quiet time.
I have no doubt I will remember the simple pleasure of knowing I provided something so special to my son. I need to focus on the fact that some women don't have the opportunity to breastfeed at all and count myself fortunate for these past four and a half months.
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