After Anna was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. It took me a few months to accept that I was no longer in control of my emotions. I remember the night I admitted I had a problem. I was giving Alex a bath and he was being naughty. I was losing my patience with him and telling him loudly to stop acting up. I remember looking down, breathing in deeply a few moments, and then all of a sudden splashing him! I wanted to help him snap out of the mood by doing something unexpected and fun. Brent came running in from the living room with a scared look on his face. Alex and I both looked up at him with smiles on our faces like, “What do you want?” Brent’s ashen look was haunting me so I asked him about it later that night. He said, “Well, you were upset and then everything got quiet. Then lots of splashing. I thought the worst.” When my hand flew to my mouth in shock, Brent simply stated “Sad mommies do things they don’t mean to.” I made a doctor’s appointment the next morning.
As I talked it over with my long-time doctor, I realized how sad, angry, and bitter I had become. I was not seeing joy in life, except with my kids. I was distant with my family and friends. I was very angry with Brent and very easily irritated. Brent suffered the worst of it, I yelled at him loudly and often for things he was doing that had never bothered me before. I was thinking too often about blurting out words like, “I would rather do this on my own” or “I want a divorce!” My relationship with Anna was not suffering. I had completely and totally bonded with her. I would sit and cry thinking how beautiful she was, how perfect my little angel was. But I will admit that I couldn’t just sit and snuggle her… I was too distracted by chores that needed to be done. The chores would anger me because I was doing EVERYTHING and then I would blow up. It was a terrible, vicious cycle.
I always thought that postpartum meant you didn’t bond with your baby and were sad. For me, it was anxiety, anger, low energy, and Anhedonia (not experiencing pleasure in basic things). After I started taking medication to treat my symptoms, it still took me weeks to admit that I actually needed them and if my diagnosis was correct.
Once the meds kicked in, I felt great! I thought they were working too well; I was kind of hyper and had lots of energy. At my first follow-up, the doctor described since I was still having a range of emotions meaning I was still feeling irritable or sad when appropriate… I just wasn’t used to being happy. I just started crying out of relief. I had a tough pregnancy with Anna. I hadn’t felt good in over a year!
These past few years have been challenging. A difficult pregnancy, postpartum depression, and now coming down off the medication. SSRI’s have a long half life so they will not be fully out of my system until early July. I feel more and more like myself. I have always been a happy girl. I find joy in life and enjoy people. The trouble is; I have been excusing any and all bad behavior because I have postpartum depression. Now that I have been successfully treated, I won’t be able to do that. I will have to deal with my temper like everyone else. When I feel that all-too-familiar heat rise to my face, I have to suck it up and deal with it. Before, there was no controlling it. I had rage. Having two small kids can be so challenging, but I am enjoying it. I love coming home in the evenings to my family. I love my husband and am thoroughly enjoying all of the perks of being married again. Anna will be 1 next month, and I have faith that only good is yet to come.
