Working toward my future

In mid-February I joined Weight Watchers.  I have lost nearly 35 pounds in these past 6 months following the program.  Weight Watchers doesn’t work unless you work the program, and boy have I been working it!  If I am going way over the point allotment for the day (eating too much) – I typically will continue to track to at least be accountable for what I am doing.  Sometimes I look back at the times I have cheated and wonder how I’ve still managed to lose weight.  The bottom line is – even cheating is far better than how I was eating prior to joining.  That is scary.

At 5’3” it was hard for me to imagine weighing in at 217.  That wasn’t even my heaviest.  Just where I started this time.  I am 175 now and feeling much better physically.  I am rarely fatigued.  I play tennis again.  I have energy.  My joints don’t hurt.  I am visiting the chiropractor less often.  I have gone down 2 sizes.  And yet, I am not done so I don’t feel settled.  I am almost restless and anxious to be done with this process.

I need to understand that the last 25 pounds will come off more slowly than the initial chunk of weight.  It will take me another 6-9 months to get there if I am diligent.  I understand that and yet I want the instant result.  We all want the hard part to be over and the fun part to in our lives.  The part where my weight is a non-issue.  The part where I have been at a healthy weight for so long that people forget what I used to look like heavy.  The part where eating poorly feels foreign.  The place where being scared of going back doesn’t exist.

Many of my family members are obese and feel as if they are doomed.  Like nothing they do will change the fact they are obese, diabetic, and riddled with all manner of illness/disease.  I see it as an additional challenge, as additional fuel to fan my flame.  I will not be defeated.  I am a strong woman and want to live many happy, healthy years.  I want my husband and I to be the type of couple that goes on bike rides in our retirement years and watches the grandkids for the weekend.  I want to do so many things in this life.  Most of all – I want to be healthy and teach my kids how to take care of themselves mentally and physically.  I want them to know that my health, and theirs, is worth the effort.  I want them to know that food has the power to control you but only if you allow it.

I have been setting the pace for a lifelong journey of health these past 6 months and I am totally up for the challenge.  Reaching my goal weight will be incredibly difficult.  Maintaining it will be ever harder.

Bring it On.

Before pic from a date night

Not a flattering photo by any means, but definitely shows a true "before" image

Slouched over and frumpy dumpy before shot

Progress photo from early August

Progress photo from early August

Progress photo from early August

Family

It’s amazing how you can be so far away from people and yet remain connected.  An aunt you see yearly and only talk to once or twice otherwise can mean the world to you.  They are family.  My Aunt Barbara has been battling cancer and is not winning.  She is now consulting with a hospice doctor who has given her the expectation of 3-6 months to live.  Hearing this news was devastating.  I am not close to many of my aunts and uncles, but I hold Aunt Barbara very close to my heart.  She is a tough lady, but a dainty one too.  She has always been very lively and will offer words of wisdom to help in any situation.  She is dying of cancer but is very concerned with my mom’s health.  My Uncle Harvey, Barbara’s husband, is a very strong man.  He is retired military, opinionated, and stubborn.  I am sure knowing he is losing his wife is breaking him but he will never let on.  He owes it to her to be strong, and she owed it to him to fight for as long as she has.  Her suffering has been in vain because the cancer is spreading further and faster than the doctors anticipated.  I can’t even wrap my head around how a woman could be haying in the field alongside the men with a “sinus infection” that ends up being cancer in her naval cavity.  I can’t wrap my head around how a vital woman is suddenly struck down and then beaten down for years.  She has allowed herself to stop fighting and accept her fate.  Now the waiting comes.  I am grateful that I will not have to watch it happen.  I will be praying for her and the ones surrounding her for strength and acceptance.  I will also be praying for mercy.

I shook hands with a murderer today...

Mary Johnson and Oshea Israel

As I sat there in church, it was impossible not to judge the man in front of me.  At the young age of 16, Oshea Israel killed another man.  He was tried as an adult and convicted of second degree manslaughter.  He served 17 years in prison out of his 25 year sentence.  He is a 38 year old charismatic, attractive, muscled man.  He smiles easily.  After hearing the mother of his victim, Mary Johnson, speak about forgiveness; I started to think if I could ever forgive someone of such a transgression.  She lost her only son and after 12 years of grieving and struggling since the murder, she forgave him. Looking at them today, you would think the two of them were mother and son.  They banter.  They touch one another in kindness.  He helped her on and off the stage.  They were literally next door neighbors for the first 3 years after he left prison.  She refers to him as her "spiritual son."

Their story is so remarkable that they have traveled all around the country and appeared on The View and in People magazine.  No one can believe the power of Christ to heal both of their hearts.  Oshea had to first accept his sin in order to forgive himself and continue on with his life.  Mary had to forgive the man that killed her only child in order to continue on with her life and let go of the rage and torment she carried.  After the service I was drawn to them both.  To Mary for having such strength, and to Oshea for owning what he did and trying to make something positive the outcome of such a horrible act.

They live in North Minneapolis.  They share their story as often as God allows, in their words.  If you want to know more, visit their site http://www.fromdeathtolife.us/home.html.

Gatsby

Gatsby awaiting the arrival of Daisy

Here are my thoughts on Gatsby, the most recent remake of F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby.  I was very skeptical going into watching this movie.  The director is known for crazy camera action, and explosions of visual splendor.  I thought this would capture the party scenes and opulence of Gatsby quite well, but I never imagined it would also help emphasize the desperation of Jay Gatsby.

Leonardo DiCaprio was amazing in his role of Gatsby.  I wasn't sold the first time the audience was introduced to the man, but as the movie progressed I realized he brought something to the screen that Robert Redford never did... paranoia, desperation, and longing.  Robert Redford was so golden in his charm that the utter despair that was expressed in the novel never made it onto the screen across a vapid Mia Farrow.  DiCaprio brought tears to my eyes in his anxiety upon seeing Daisy Buchanan for the first time in five years.

The story of Gatsby has always haunted me.  A boy who grows up penniless only to find himself introduced to a woman above his position during the war.  The two fall in love.  Upon hearing that he has no wealth, she marries another.  He remains blindly hopeful that she will come back to him and believes his true stature will never be attained until she is at his side.  No other woman will do.  It has to be her.  This drives him to do anything to be rich, and in the time of the roaring Twenties, that meant getting involved in bootlegging or organized crime.  Redford was far too cool to believe he would sully his hands, but DiCaprio had an edge to his charm.  A side that said, "Don't fuck with me."

Daisy and Tom Buchanan could not be more useless human beings, but I feel that Carey Mulligan was almost too likable for the role.  She appeared weak, but she didn't capture the selfishness that Mia Farrow did years ago.  I disliked Mia Farrow as an actress for years because of that role, not understanding that it was just a role.  Now I respect her more as an actress for being so off-putting.  How fickle women are!

The narrator, Nick Carraway, played by Tobey Maguire, brought a vibrancy to the movie that the Redford version lacked.  It brought the story to life to understand how dramatically the destruction of Gatsby and his reputation affected another.  Maguire managed to make Carraway look confident, yet curious.  He was always outside of the situation, and he was very aware of it.  The narration through out the film was true to the novel and really directed the flow of the film.

I thought the remake was great, and mostly in part to the acting chops of Leonardo DiCaprio.  He was simply stunning.

Extended Power Outages in Modern Society

When you live in an Urban area, you never expect to be without electricity for over an hour. It is practically unheard of. At this point, it has been nearly 3 days for my family located in NW Minneapolis. There are still 40,000 Excel Energy customers without power. There are over 3 million people living in the Twin Cities, and we are a percentage of the unfortunate without power.

We lost hundreds of dollars of groceries, put out over a hundred on necessary supplies, and do not anticipate getting electricity back for 2 more days. Our home is very hot in the summer weather with no means of cooling it down and we have two very young kids.

The bright side is – no electricity! You are forced to talk to one another. You are forced to cooperate toward a common goal. Your fridge is ridiculously easy to clean when it’s bare!

The downside is – no electricity! Baby Anna is sweating at night. Alex is scared at night and wonders why we won’t turn on his fan. We are surrounded by homes with generators so there is an ever-present HUMMMMM! You have to charge your portable electronics when and where you can. You have to give the kids a bath by the light of a lantern… no windows in the bathroom.

More downsides than positive, but this June is definitely going down in the Johnson history book.

Coming Down

After Anna was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. It took me a few months to accept that I was no longer in control of my emotions. I remember the night I admitted I had a problem. I was giving Alex a bath and he was being naughty. I was losing my patience with him and telling him loudly to stop acting up. I remember looking down, breathing in deeply a few moments, and then all of a sudden splashing him! I wanted to help him snap out of the mood by doing something unexpected and fun. Brent came running in from the living room with a scared look on his face. Alex and I both looked up at him with smiles on our faces like, “What do you want?” Brent’s ashen look was haunting me so I asked him about it later that night. He said, “Well, you were upset and then everything got quiet. Then lots of splashing. I thought the worst.” When my hand flew to my mouth in shock, Brent simply stated “Sad mommies do things they don’t mean to.” I made a doctor’s appointment the next morning.


As I talked it over with my long-time doctor, I realized how sad, angry, and bitter I had become. I was not seeing joy in life, except with my kids. I was distant with my family and friends. I was very angry with Brent and very easily irritated. Brent suffered the worst of it, I yelled at him loudly and often for things he was doing that had never bothered me before. I was thinking too often about blurting out words like, “I would rather do this on my own” or “I want a divorce!” My relationship with Anna was not suffering. I had completely and totally bonded with her. I would sit and cry thinking how beautiful she was, how perfect my little angel was. But I will admit that I couldn’t just sit and snuggle her… I was too distracted by chores that needed to be done. The chores would anger me because I was doing EVERYTHING and then I would blow up. It was a terrible, vicious cycle.

I always thought that postpartum meant you didn’t bond with your baby and were sad. For me, it was anxiety, anger, low energy, and Anhedonia (not experiencing pleasure in basic things). After I started taking medication to treat my symptoms, it still took me weeks to admit that I actually needed them and if my diagnosis was correct.

Once the meds kicked in, I felt great! I thought they were working too well; I was kind of hyper and had lots of energy. At my first follow-up, the doctor described since I was still having a range of emotions meaning I was still feeling irritable or sad when appropriate… I just wasn’t used to being happy. I just started crying out of relief. I had a tough pregnancy with Anna. I hadn’t felt good in over a year!

These past few years have been challenging. A difficult pregnancy, postpartum depression, and now coming down off the medication. SSRI’s have a long half life so they will not be fully out of my system until early July. I feel more and more like myself. I have always been a happy girl. I find joy in life and enjoy people. The trouble is; I have been excusing any and all bad behavior because I have postpartum depression. Now that I have been successfully treated, I won’t be able to do that. I will have to deal with my temper like everyone else. When I feel that all-too-familiar heat rise to my face, I have to suck it up and deal with it. Before, there was no controlling it. I had rage. Having two small kids can be so challenging, but I am enjoying it. I love coming home in the evenings to my family. I love my husband and am thoroughly enjoying all of the perks of being married again. Anna will be 1 next month, and I have faith that only good is yet to come.

Sick and Nosebleeds

Why is it when I am down my nose insists on kicking me?  I get nosebleeds when I am sick because my nasal passages get so dry.  Gross, right?  Here I am blowing my nose and then putting Aquafor in my nasal cavities with a Q-Tip and I STILL GET NOSEBLEEDS!  What the hell?!  Then, after the bleeding stops I am afraid to blow my nose.  Then the clots come.  It is all around a terrible experience for me and my fragile constitution. 

Sterility

It is so odd knowing that there is a 99.8% chance that I will never get pregnant again. My uterus was x-rayed yesterday and the Essure procedure worked 3 months ago. My fallopian tubes are effectively blocked off. That means no more birth control, just enjoyment. I hate birth control pills. I am bad at taking them, the hormones make me gain weight, and the monthly cost/hassle is frustrating. We both hate condoms. Brent wasn’t too keen on the idea of a vasectomy so I agreed to Essure when I heard how easy the procedure is. It is an outpatient procedure and only caused mild cramping. I did have a back ache for about a month after the procedure, but the gynecologist had never heard of that being a side effect. Just figures that I would have that particular issue!

No more babies for us. We have two beautiful children that are loving and bright. The temptation is there to have more children, but in all practicality, I do not want to be out-numbered! There is something to be said for 2 kids and 2 adults! The world is built for a family of four.

I am just wondering if this is how men feel after they get snipped. I have lost some of my womanhood… I can no longer bear children. I didn’t expect that feeling and it is sure to fade.

Brief!

It’s truly amazing how time flies.  I have been through so much physically and mentally since Anna was born.  The agony of not producing enough breast milk despite jumping through hoops, going back to work at a job I didn’t enjoy, and juggling more at home all while physically recovering from a tough pregnancy.  Anna is 4 ½ months old now and is the sweetest little girl a mom could ask for.  She has us all wrapped around her finger.  Alex is madly in love with his sister, but he has been more challenging in general since her birth.  I have been struggling with finding myself since her birth, but I am slowly coming around.  I just started a new job and yoga… these things seem to be helping tremendously.  I am in the mood to write, but want to get out of here as well.  Family dinner tonight!

Anna Therese Johnson

We were told for weeks that our baby girl was ready to come, but alas, Pumpkin was too happy inside her mommy's tummy.  A co-worker joked that I must have cable TV and a recliner in there for two kids to have to be induced!  I went to my 39 week appointment with Dr. Justesen and after giving me an exam she asked if Monday worked for me.  It was a Thursday.  I said, "Works for what?"  She replied, "To be induced.  Does Monday work?"  I was thrilled, and it was scheduled for Monday morning.  We were told to call first thing in the morning and if there was availability to come on in.  I tidied everything up at work and was anxious.  Big brother Alex was picked up by Grandma and Grandpa, Marty was being watched by Sydney... we were all set.  Monday arrived quickly and both Brent and I were so excited, nervous, and feeling a bit overwhelmed.  It was potentially the day to meet our baby girl.  We called and were green lighted... so game on!  My water was broken by Dr. Justesen at 8:20 AM on June 11, 2012.  She was on rounds so we were lucky enough to have her through-out the whole process.  At one point, Brent had left the room to go get something from the car and Dr. Justesen asked how I was doing.  Something about the tenderness in her voice helped me to release my emotions and I started crying.  I was so nervous!  The pregrnancy had been so much more difficult that I was worried the birth would be the same way!  By 8:49, Petocin was administered to aide in dilation.  The contractions started almost immediately, but I was not dilating at a quick rate.  When the contractions moved to my back the anesthesiologist was called at 10:44 AM.  I remember getting up to go to the bathroom multiple times.  I was drinking plenty of water, but that was a lot of bathroom trips and every time I got up more of the amniotic fluid would leak out which really grossed me out.  It would have been funny had I not been so uncomfortable!  The doctor was busy with a little boy so he could not make it to my room until 11:25.  By that time, I was having a really hard time coping with the pain of back to back contractions.  Petocin had been stopped to help while we waited for the epidural.  By 11:35 AM I was no longer in pain which was awesome.  I was able to rest a bit.  By noon I was at 9 CM dilated so Dr. Justesen was called.  I really wanted to push!  I was told to wait until the doctor arrived, but that was proving to be difficult because my body felt so ready.  By 12:30 PM the doctor arrived and I was fully dilated at 10 CM.  After everyone cleaned up and got ready, I was finally allowed to start pushing.  I was able to push 3-4 times with each contraction.  I was shocked to hear within minutes Dr. Justesen saying, "She has a full head of hair!  It's brown!"  I honestly thought she was kidding.  How in the world could the baby already be crowning!?  Suddenly the room filled with extra people, Pumpkin's heart rate was plummeting with each contraction was was getting dangerously low.  The neo-natal nurses were called in to assist if needed and everyone was looking grim.  Luckily, I was told about this afterward and didn't even notice, but Brent certainly was aware of the change in atmosphere.  When Anna joined this world at 12:50 PM she cried immediately and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.  She was healthy, hungry, and all ours.  She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.  I had always wanted a daughter named Anna and Therese is Grandma Penny's middle name, combined the name is just as beautiful as the girl herself.  She was 20 1/2 inches long and 8 pounds, 12 ounces.  Now our baby girl is thriving.  She really likes to nurse and snuggle.  If she isn't doing one or the other she tends to be upset but we are working on that!

Exciting Times!

I am so excited to meet my little girl.  We are 36 weeks and the doctor said she is riding low and thinks I will deliver by 38 weeks!  She is applying a lot of pressure and that should help my cervix dilate.  I am working part time at this point because of the swelling, headaches, pain, and general misery!!  30 hours a week with the support of my doctor and FMLA (not my workplace).  Unfortunately, they have not been supportive in the least.  The best part about this whole ordeal is that I will be meeting my little girl soon.  I can’t wait to see her, hold her, and introduce her to her family.  I just love her so much.

Pumpkin's Room

Thank goodness for little girls! I have been craving some pink in this house and here is my chance! We touched up the paint in our yellow nursery and Alex helped me apply some adorable, girly decals to the walls in Pumpkin's room. The result is so calming and sweet that I find myself just sitting in there and enjoying it.

We are 31 weeks along and Pumpkin is proving to be a big girl! Taking it easy these days and feeling much better for it. We seem to be crusing right along in the 3rd trimester, but I am finding it difficult just getting around. I am big as a house! I swell pretty easily and have lots of little aches/pains. All normal, which is something I remind myself of daily.

Enjoy the pictures!

Baby Bump!

I don't know if you can tell or not, but Pumpkin is making her presence known! She is a big girl that moves frequently. She will not tolerate caffeine and I have already gained the same amount of weight at 7 months that I did the entire pregnancy with Alex! Oye!

Good times ahead my friends!

It's a girl! We went to the ultrasound and promptly to celebrate over lunch at our favorite Mexican place El Loro. I really celebrated with this delicious Fried Ice Cream for desert. Pumpkin liked it!

Big Event with Little Lydia

Last Monday I was admitted into the ER for shortness of breath and minor heart palpitations. Before I get into the details, let me say that I am okay. I wouldn't have been as worried except for the little baby growing inside of me... Pumpkin is six months along and she has been a handful! I was literally sitting at work when I lost my breath. I have a desk job, very sedentary, no reason to be out of breath. It was so persistent that I called the nurse line. They advised me to go to the ER and my heart really started racing then. I immediately called Brent for comfort and rescue to come and pick me up from work. I tried to keep it together but of course, could not seem to manage. There were a few private tears, some concerned conversations between myself and co-workers. Brent arrived to pick me up and we went to the nearest hospital. I haven't been to the ER personally since I was stung multiple times by bees in high school. I was also having trouble breathing in that occasion as well, but this was totally different. I am an adult now, a mom. I was so worried about Pumpkin and not at all about myself. I knew in my gut that I was okay, but I wanted to make sure that nothing was causing the discomfort, that nothing was wrong with my baby. The doctor's name was Alex and right away I knew we were in good hands. Brent was amazing. He stayed calm, supportive, and took the information from the Dr. Alex that I was sure to forget. He asked the right questions which was key. We spoke softly to one another between tests. They did an EKG right away. My blood pressure was good. Oxygen level a little low. They did a chest x-ray, blood work, and an ultrasound of the legs to rule out a blood clot. Lots of tests, and they were able to rule out quite a few things. What they didn't find is what caused the issue. If it happens again, I need to get a Cat Scan. They didn't want to do that because one CT is about 100 x-rays worth of radiation... and Pumpkin would not like that very much. Hopefully it was just a fluke as the doctor suspected. But being out of breath for over 4 hours is definitely not normal. I took it as a sign to slow down. No more plans with friends during the week. No more running out to the store after work if I am tired. Lots more sitting on the couch. Lots more resting. I had my scheduled 6 month appointment this past week as well. My doctor agreed that it was probably a fluke and could have been the baby sitting the wrong way making it difficult for me. This early on that is not normal, but it is a likely cause. Bottom line- we're okay but need to slow it down. We spent time as a family on Saturday night at the local community center swimming and playing. I let Brent take the lead on chasing Alex through the play gym and I walked on the indoor track. I am still trying to walk, but slowly. Seems odd how quickly life can change. I went from losing 35 lbs on Weight Watchers and doing a walk/jog combo 3 times a week to gaining weight and walking so slow it's laughable. At least I'm still walking!! That's all I can say. I can already tell that Pumpkin is going to be completely worth it. She is spunky and opinionated. This is a completely different pregnancy and I was convinced I was carrying a girl from the beginning. And I was right! She is kicking me as I type. She just seems feisty to me. I am so excited to meet her. I just hope we make it through the next few months with ease. On that note, time to get ready for bed!

First Impressions of South Korea

Many things I have noticed already, but here are some good ones:

1. Traveling is very hard on young kids. I miss Alex dearly but am so grateful that I didn't put him through the 13 hour flight here. There was a family with two young boys sitting directly in front of me. The mom and dad literally stood in the aisle just so there boys could stretch out over 4 seats and sleep for a few hours. It was such a selfless act, and made a profound impression on me. I had the pleasure of sitting right beside a 4 month old baby as well. She was just miserable and cried frequently. Being a new mom myself, this did not upset me, just made me very aware of how hard it is on the little ones.


2. Korean flight attendants are gorgeous. Georgia said that it is a requirement of the job, no qualms. No discrimination suits. The "ugly girls know not to apply."


3. Korean men like to mock foreigners. A lot. It really irritates Georgia but I just thought it was weird. Georgia knows enough of the language to know they are mocking us, am oblivious.


4. Korean men like my boobies. Totally caught a man staring at my chest on the subway. I made eye contact with him and he just smiled. Georgia did give me the heads up that if someone asks if I am a Russian, quickly say no. That means you are a prostitute. Considering I am already being gawked at, I better practice that response. A woman asked at the Incheon airport if I was a Russian, but only because she herself was from Russia and needed help figuring out customs. She didn't have a cool sister send her an email of what to expect and how to get through it. Right down to disinfecting carpet right when you get off the plane that gets your shoes wet... so walk gingerly onto the tile floor.


5. After getting off the Subway and getting onto the streets of Seuol, I finally felt like I was in a foreign country because the buildings look so different. The signs are all neon and everything is open late, all night long. People start later here. Makes me wonder which country has it right. I may be able to offer an opinion on that after my time here is over.


6. Skype is my best friend. I have talked to Brent several times already and this morning was able to see them on the webcam and talk to my boys. Alex lite up like a Christmas tree when he saw me. All for free.


7. Hotel rooms are very different here. The "bed" is more like a boxspring, literally, and everything is small. Very functional but nothing at all fancy. The bathroom has the shower in the middle of the room and the drain two feet from the toilet. No division. Good to know when when going to the bathroom after a shower has taken place. Wet socks are not happy socks.

Time to go find some breakfast. Apparently people eat soup and rice to start their day here. There is a Dunkin Donuts down the block. I would never consider it in the USA... starting my day off with a donut while on Weight Watchers. Well guess what?! If it is between a damn donut and soup- going for the donut every time.

Valentine’s Day

Today is supposed to be a day that you think of your loved ones… your special someone. This year that cloud of giddiness and pure joy is tinged with storms. I can’t get my mind off of Angie. It would have been her 37th birthday 11 days ago and today Erik is coping with having his first Valentine’s without his wife. Brent and I are still in shock over this loss. Everything seems to remind me of her. I still wear my Leukemia bracelet daily. I still think of Jessi and Erik daily and worry about how they are dealing with it all… I worry about them. There are considered to be 5 Stages of Greif - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I worry that they will linger on Anger for a while.

I know I would be angry if my mom were ripped from me when I was 13. I know I would be pissed off if my husband were just suddenly… gone.

There are no correct answers in how people deal with grief. For me, I am depressed. I will always remember and love Angie.

Weight Watchers- It’s a Journey

I started Weight Watchers on 01/18/2011 and just completed my second week. I have lost 5.4 lbs which I think it very exciting! Granted, I have a long journey ahead of me before I reach my target goal but I am enjoying this process.

Right now I am focusing on learning. I am learning what will make this a life-change for me and the tricks that will help me to keep the weight off FOREVER. So far I have really enjoying trying Weight Watchers recipes, keeping yummy guilt-free foods in the house, and keeping allies at hand. I have many friends at work who are also doing WW and have experienced success. Seeing their progress is very encouraging. Brent has also proven to be a fantastic ally. He is making better food choices for himself and is 110% supportive of my goals.

For me, it’s about owning where I am right now. It’s about acceptance. I am not a “healthy” person. I have a tremendous amount of weight to lose before I reach my target of 140. I have accepted that may be a few years from now and am okay with that. I want to have another child so reaching the goal may need to wait until after that happens. And no, I am not pregnant!

I want to be around, and healthy, when I am 90 years old. I have so much heart disease, obesity, diabetes, etc in my family that I cannot be idle any longer. I am approaching 30. My first goal is to be under 200 pounds by the time I reach my 30th birthday in June.

That is only 12.3 pounds away. I can totally do this!

Angie

Angie Johnson, my brother-in-law Erik's wife, passed away on October 24, 2010. She was only 36 years old. It is still a shock to my system that someone that young could be gone so quickly. Angie had a weird swelling in her hand back in September and we were nosy and asked about it... she was going for testing to see what the cause was. On Friday 10/22 they diagnosed her with chronic leukemia and started her on a low dose of chemo. We got a call from Brent's dad that Angie was in ICU, essentially in a coma, and things weren't looking good on Sunday. We left right away to go to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. When we got there, we both knew something was really wrong. How can someone go from talking to me on Friday night, being strong and confident that things would turn out okay... to lying in a hospital room having a respirator control her breathing not even 48 hours later. I knew Angie was going to find out the diagnosis during the day on Friday so I called her that night. She was shaken, but strong. The only time her voice broke was when she said telling her parents was the hardest part. She said out of all of her sisters, she was glad it was her fighting cancer because she could fight it the best. She said, "Does that make me crazy?" I said, "No, that makes you noble."

Oh Angie.

I still can't believe it. While Angie was still with us I was in the room holding her hand, rubbing her feet, talking to her as normally as I could. Of course, Angie would've decked me if I touched her feet under "normal" circumstances! She sure was feisty.

The thing that keeps my mind busy is how Jessica and Erik are coping with this loss. Jessica is only 13 years old... and Erik just lost his wife of 15 years. I cannot imagine facing this world without Brent by my side. I am trying to be there for them, let them know we love them and are here if they need us... but I just don't feel like it's enough. No one will ever be able to take their pain away or replace Angie in their lives.

We traveled out to North Dakota two days before the visitation just to be there with them. My 15 month old son Alex really kept everyone distracted. I was able to help Jessica shop for clothes for her mother's funeral (just typing that makes me want to cry) and we bonded over making French Toast for breakfast one morning. There were a few tense moments about Jessica leaving the house in a tank top and flip flops... but apparently she and Angie were supposed to go last week for Jessi's winter gear. When I heard that it just broke my heart. Brent and I offered to get her a coat, hat, and gloves and let me tell you... she is just the prettiest girl. She said, "I want something that makes me feel like a model." After she found a cream Columbia jacket with a fur lined hood... it was easy for her to look like America's Next Top Model.

Angie adored Jessica... she was always bragging that Jessica was the prettiest, smartest, most athletic girl - and she was right!

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. She took our wedding pictures. She emailed me for updates when she knew I had a doctor's appointment while pregnant, she emailed me after Alex was born when she knew he was having a check up... she kept track of us. I always appreciated her efforts... and I will miss her presence dearly.

Frustration

We can’t seem to get our finances in order. The moment we think we have things under control; we are dinged with a surprise Late Fee. Late fees are not the norm in our household… but for the past few months neither one of us are noticing due dates. We have been struggling to keep up not because we don’t have the money but because we don’t seem to actively keep on top of it. It is so frustrating. I think Brent is on top of it and vice versa. Most things are taken care of promptly and then something creeps in. I don’t mind calling creditors, explaining a mostly true situation, and getting the fees reversed (and the lack of fees on the account makes them believe the mostly true tale)… but what does that say for us? Have we all of a sudden become irresponsible card holders because we are now parents? Is this a normal thing new parent’s struggle with? Our mail is piling up on our guest bed but everything else in the home is in order. The baby is well. Our marriage is strong. So why is it a constant struggle? I would venture to say it is a lack of communication between Brent and me. We don’t like verbalizing “rules” or assigning jobs. We don’t like admitting to one another we aren’t on top of it, that we are inconsistently organized. I don’t want a family where the wife does the bills or the husband does the bills… but now I am starting to understand assigning that heinous task to an individual. That still doesn’t make me want to volunteer.