Coming Down

After Anna was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. It took me a few months to accept that I was no longer in control of my emotions. I remember the night I admitted I had a problem. I was giving Alex a bath and he was being naughty. I was losing my patience with him and telling him loudly to stop acting up. I remember looking down, breathing in deeply a few moments, and then all of a sudden splashing him! I wanted to help him snap out of the mood by doing something unexpected and fun. Brent came running in from the living room with a scared look on his face. Alex and I both looked up at him with smiles on our faces like, “What do you want?” Brent’s ashen look was haunting me so I asked him about it later that night. He said, “Well, you were upset and then everything got quiet. Then lots of splashing. I thought the worst.” When my hand flew to my mouth in shock, Brent simply stated “Sad mommies do things they don’t mean to.” I made a doctor’s appointment the next morning.


As I talked it over with my long-time doctor, I realized how sad, angry, and bitter I had become. I was not seeing joy in life, except with my kids. I was distant with my family and friends. I was very angry with Brent and very easily irritated. Brent suffered the worst of it, I yelled at him loudly and often for things he was doing that had never bothered me before. I was thinking too often about blurting out words like, “I would rather do this on my own” or “I want a divorce!” My relationship with Anna was not suffering. I had completely and totally bonded with her. I would sit and cry thinking how beautiful she was, how perfect my little angel was. But I will admit that I couldn’t just sit and snuggle her… I was too distracted by chores that needed to be done. The chores would anger me because I was doing EVERYTHING and then I would blow up. It was a terrible, vicious cycle.

I always thought that postpartum meant you didn’t bond with your baby and were sad. For me, it was anxiety, anger, low energy, and Anhedonia (not experiencing pleasure in basic things). After I started taking medication to treat my symptoms, it still took me weeks to admit that I actually needed them and if my diagnosis was correct.

Once the meds kicked in, I felt great! I thought they were working too well; I was kind of hyper and had lots of energy. At my first follow-up, the doctor described since I was still having a range of emotions meaning I was still feeling irritable or sad when appropriate… I just wasn’t used to being happy. I just started crying out of relief. I had a tough pregnancy with Anna. I hadn’t felt good in over a year!

These past few years have been challenging. A difficult pregnancy, postpartum depression, and now coming down off the medication. SSRI’s have a long half life so they will not be fully out of my system until early July. I feel more and more like myself. I have always been a happy girl. I find joy in life and enjoy people. The trouble is; I have been excusing any and all bad behavior because I have postpartum depression. Now that I have been successfully treated, I won’t be able to do that. I will have to deal with my temper like everyone else. When I feel that all-too-familiar heat rise to my face, I have to suck it up and deal with it. Before, there was no controlling it. I had rage. Having two small kids can be so challenging, but I am enjoying it. I love coming home in the evenings to my family. I love my husband and am thoroughly enjoying all of the perks of being married again. Anna will be 1 next month, and I have faith that only good is yet to come.

Sick and Nosebleeds

Why is it when I am down my nose insists on kicking me?  I get nosebleeds when I am sick because my nasal passages get so dry.  Gross, right?  Here I am blowing my nose and then putting Aquafor in my nasal cavities with a Q-Tip and I STILL GET NOSEBLEEDS!  What the hell?!  Then, after the bleeding stops I am afraid to blow my nose.  Then the clots come.  It is all around a terrible experience for me and my fragile constitution. 

Sterility

It is so odd knowing that there is a 99.8% chance that I will never get pregnant again. My uterus was x-rayed yesterday and the Essure procedure worked 3 months ago. My fallopian tubes are effectively blocked off. That means no more birth control, just enjoyment. I hate birth control pills. I am bad at taking them, the hormones make me gain weight, and the monthly cost/hassle is frustrating. We both hate condoms. Brent wasn’t too keen on the idea of a vasectomy so I agreed to Essure when I heard how easy the procedure is. It is an outpatient procedure and only caused mild cramping. I did have a back ache for about a month after the procedure, but the gynecologist had never heard of that being a side effect. Just figures that I would have that particular issue!

No more babies for us. We have two beautiful children that are loving and bright. The temptation is there to have more children, but in all practicality, I do not want to be out-numbered! There is something to be said for 2 kids and 2 adults! The world is built for a family of four.

I am just wondering if this is how men feel after they get snipped. I have lost some of my womanhood… I can no longer bear children. I didn’t expect that feeling and it is sure to fade.

Brief!

It’s truly amazing how time flies.  I have been through so much physically and mentally since Anna was born.  The agony of not producing enough breast milk despite jumping through hoops, going back to work at a job I didn’t enjoy, and juggling more at home all while physically recovering from a tough pregnancy.  Anna is 4 ½ months old now and is the sweetest little girl a mom could ask for.  She has us all wrapped around her finger.  Alex is madly in love with his sister, but he has been more challenging in general since her birth.  I have been struggling with finding myself since her birth, but I am slowly coming around.  I just started a new job and yoga… these things seem to be helping tremendously.  I am in the mood to write, but want to get out of here as well.  Family dinner tonight!

Anna Therese Johnson

We were told for weeks that our baby girl was ready to come, but alas, Pumpkin was too happy inside her mommy's tummy.  A co-worker joked that I must have cable TV and a recliner in there for two kids to have to be induced!  I went to my 39 week appointment with Dr. Justesen and after giving me an exam she asked if Monday worked for me.  It was a Thursday.  I said, "Works for what?"  She replied, "To be induced.  Does Monday work?"  I was thrilled, and it was scheduled for Monday morning.  We were told to call first thing in the morning and if there was availability to come on in.  I tidied everything up at work and was anxious.  Big brother Alex was picked up by Grandma and Grandpa, Marty was being watched by Sydney... we were all set.  Monday arrived quickly and both Brent and I were so excited, nervous, and feeling a bit overwhelmed.  It was potentially the day to meet our baby girl.  We called and were green lighted... so game on!  My water was broken by Dr. Justesen at 8:20 AM on June 11, 2012.  She was on rounds so we were lucky enough to have her through-out the whole process.  At one point, Brent had left the room to go get something from the car and Dr. Justesen asked how I was doing.  Something about the tenderness in her voice helped me to release my emotions and I started crying.  I was so nervous!  The pregrnancy had been so much more difficult that I was worried the birth would be the same way!  By 8:49, Petocin was administered to aide in dilation.  The contractions started almost immediately, but I was not dilating at a quick rate.  When the contractions moved to my back the anesthesiologist was called at 10:44 AM.  I remember getting up to go to the bathroom multiple times.  I was drinking plenty of water, but that was a lot of bathroom trips and every time I got up more of the amniotic fluid would leak out which really grossed me out.  It would have been funny had I not been so uncomfortable!  The doctor was busy with a little boy so he could not make it to my room until 11:25.  By that time, I was having a really hard time coping with the pain of back to back contractions.  Petocin had been stopped to help while we waited for the epidural.  By 11:35 AM I was no longer in pain which was awesome.  I was able to rest a bit.  By noon I was at 9 CM dilated so Dr. Justesen was called.  I really wanted to push!  I was told to wait until the doctor arrived, but that was proving to be difficult because my body felt so ready.  By 12:30 PM the doctor arrived and I was fully dilated at 10 CM.  After everyone cleaned up and got ready, I was finally allowed to start pushing.  I was able to push 3-4 times with each contraction.  I was shocked to hear within minutes Dr. Justesen saying, "She has a full head of hair!  It's brown!"  I honestly thought she was kidding.  How in the world could the baby already be crowning!?  Suddenly the room filled with extra people, Pumpkin's heart rate was plummeting with each contraction was was getting dangerously low.  The neo-natal nurses were called in to assist if needed and everyone was looking grim.  Luckily, I was told about this afterward and didn't even notice, but Brent certainly was aware of the change in atmosphere.  When Anna joined this world at 12:50 PM she cried immediately and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.  She was healthy, hungry, and all ours.  She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.  I had always wanted a daughter named Anna and Therese is Grandma Penny's middle name, combined the name is just as beautiful as the girl herself.  She was 20 1/2 inches long and 8 pounds, 12 ounces.  Now our baby girl is thriving.  She really likes to nurse and snuggle.  If she isn't doing one or the other she tends to be upset but we are working on that!